Chew 2 v 4 EM95

Sept 1st, 2024 Pensford Stadium

TEAM: Alex, Ricky,  Duds,  Jim, Marcus, Draner, Manny, Stu, Yinka, Sheri, Morgs

SUBS: Alex Tractor Boy

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BANANA SKIN AVOIDED

The seasons opener against Chew Magna had "banana skin" written all over it. Pitch, penalties and no 45's game. Draner had pointed out that Chew had a few youths from their 45’s, so a tough game was anticipated.

With no sign of Lee, (who we later found out wanted to play Chew the following week on his own) Alex sportingly agreed to take the gloves. He took a few steps back to compose himself with the help of a cheeky rolly, then put on a yellow bib that was three or four sizes too big. Rather than intimidating the opposition, it made Al look like he was walking from the bus stop on his first day at big school.

Three Chew lads eyed up the obviously-makeshift Monday keeper. Sure enough, they took a pot shot from kickoff, then had a few more goes from distance, but they were all ‘sighters’. 

The slopey late-summer pitch was painfully hard underfoot for those wearing studs and slippy for those who’d gone for astros. Using the latest in sports technology (green paint and blue paint?) since our last game Chew had rotated their slippy, slopey pitch through 90°. As a result, the ball kept bouncing off into the hedge on the side of the pitch instead of the hedge at the end.

Yinka obseverd… “at least there was no cow dung.” Monday started well up a slight slope. Sheri went close after controlling the ball nicely from a Yinka cross with a low shot that their 6ft 5 keeper got down well to push it for a corner.

The 95ers were putting some nice moves together, playing into Sheri’s feet and releasing it down the sides, where Chew found it hard to live with Mark’s flat-out speed and Yinka’s shimmies and bursts of pace. As Yinka told his millions of TikTok followers… “A couple of runs by me should have warned Chew of my prowess, however, despite easily beating my man who if I could not get passed him loved to hug me down to the floor, the final crosses were not good enough, just in front or behind Pete and Morgs.”

Stu had bumped into Jim in the bogs at Forwards Festival the day before and across the urinals both agreed that an ‘early, little, and often’ drinking strategy would leave them in cracking shape to send a message to our league rivals in our first game of the season. 

But it was a more humid Sunday morning than all had expected, and Stu later commented… “I again wished I’d gone for a large instead of a medium strip. Everything felt a bit tight. After 20 mins of wheezing around I let my man go, assuming that 1. Jim was a more robust drinker than me (he is) and 2. therefore that he had the attacker covered (he didn’t). 1-0 to Chew.”

This provoked a great response from the Mondays who then went on to play their best football of the match for 20 minutes. Morgs had a couple of decent chances, later telling his adoring fans… “I had a sublime first touch bringing down a rare long ball down the centre, killing it dead Ronaldinho-esque. Then fell over and chance was gone.”

Yinka confused the home team by turning 90° and running laterally uphill either across or along the pitch, depending which lines you were paying attention to. After evading two or three dangling legs, he took a swing from distance. It was the swing of a man who can’t be bothered to run any further and he fell over shortly after. To be honest it didn’t look like he’d middled it but it floated past their giant keeper into the top corner. It was good to get back on level terms so quickly. Jim gave the goal a bit more respect by telling reporters after the game… “Yinka got the ball out of our left . Left his man for dead, cut inside , kept going, and from the edge of the area unleashed a rocket past the keeper smashing in off the post. Goal of the season already.” Yinka elaborated further… “I must admit I save my best goals, sorry only goals, v Chew, following last years unstoppable header from 20 yards out, I was on a mission to do something right!!! I picked the ball up from just inside their half and went on a run, instead of going on the outside and looking for a cross, I cut inside the defender, then side stepped another one despite Manny screaming for the ball, and unleash a 1 in 10 year shot in the top right hand corner, must have been 25 yards and not sure if the keeper moved…boomed !! 1-1 gave on !” Marcus then picked up a yellow card. I assume it was given as they weren’t getting anywhere close to our penalty area and so the ref, unable to intervene for the home side, decided to book Marcus for the usually non-bookable offence of resolute defending. ‘Keeper’ Alex summed it up best by saying… “Teague getting booked was laughable.”

Ricky was getting stuck in, and Manny was buzzing about as he does, giving Chew little time to settle on the ball. Duds, who looked like he was enjoying being back alongside his Cotswool defensive buddy, won loads of headers. 

Alex ‘Tractor Boy’ Bell came on for his Monday debut and had a touch of the Terrys about him at right back. He said he’d never played there before but we’ve all tried that one. Anyway, he helped the Blues get control of the game, with some composed passing and well-weighted channel balls.

He promptly started the team goal of the game with a 30 metre ball on the floor into Sheri (that pleased him), Sheri to Manny, Manny split the defence with the pass and Draner bombed on to round the keeper and slot home. 2-1.

The third was an excellent goal by Morgs, again Chew kept leaving him free on the far, post, though he messed up a couple times before, third time is just too many chances you give Morgs and he buried he header in the far right hand corner. Reports suggest that Sheri may have scrambled it in from 1 yard… we are still waiting to hear back from the VAR portakabin.

If it was a boxing match the ref would have stopped it at that point with Chew laid out on the ropes and Monday not quite finishing them off…Well, maybe not this ref.

Chew got an extremely soft free kick for ‘obstruction’, which they floated to the back post where their centre-forward smashed it in with his knee. If he meant it to go where it went then that man has amazing knee skills. As Chew celebrated, Jim said that they had had an extra man back there, which was good to know, if a bit late. 

Going in only 3-2 up at half time and expecting to concede our obligatory penalty against Chew at some point in the next 45, if felt like we might be in for a repeat of the first game of last season, which we dominated but drew 4-4. 

The second half was notable mainly for Alex ambling to the side-hedge to get the ball, then doing foul throws. Most of them looked fine, but once the ref called the first one the Chew team as one shouted ‘foul throw’ every time and the ref agreed. This happened about five times. 

An indirect free kick was given for something nobody saw Al do because he had not done it. As Alex tried to explain to reporters post match… “one of their long balls was flicked backwards by Jim's head in our half towards our corner and I ran out to stop it from going out with my feet. I kept dragging the ball with my feet into the area, walked around looking for options and eventually picked it up with my hands. All the opposition shouted at the ref and he gave a free kick against us. They tried to take it quickly while I was enquiring with him, but they managed to cock it up and I saved their shot.

I went to shake the ref's hand after the game and to ask what was all that about and he said 'you took too long'. When I explained I can take as long as I want as it's at my feet, he changed it to ‘you picked the ball with your hands, dropped it, then picked it up again’. When I said I couldn't have picked the ball first with my hands because I was near the corner flag, he changed it again that I stepped out of the box with the ball in my hands after picking it up. Awful, awful ref that clearly doesn't know all the rules.” At he didn’t give any non-pens this time!

Monday needed a fourth to finish the game off, it came with a pass getting Draner in behind and he passed it across at pace to Morgs who neatly finished it in the corner 4-2.

The game slowed down, and the 95ers should have had a comfortable time of it, but they kept going for Hollywood passes when they could have kept it. ‘If we get the next goal everything changes’, a Chew shouted. They were right. It was a mildly nervy end to the game, but a good result against last season’s cup winners. Yinka, told reporters after the match… “A commanding game with Stu and Manny closing down their midfield, especially in the second half and Duds and Jim strength in defence stopping the long balls, kept Chew at bay and to be fair we should have scored a couple more.” summed it up at his post match conference by adding… “Tough game, great result & banana skin avoided.”

MoM = Great Team Performance + Yinka great goal when needed + Draner cutting edge with pace and energy.