Easton Monday 5 - 2 Swift FC

[18 Nov : Fry's, Keynsham]

Still, at least I was there to witness the latest Easton Monday win and the debuts of two new talents. Up front, Pete Sheridan was joined by Felix's brother-in-law Phil (Phil-ing in upfront, you might say - but probably wouldn't), and another product of the Monday youth system Jason Molter combined with Ben Ford at centre back.

The rest of the team picked itself - which was lucky because Coach Yarrow didn't seem to have much idea. Ben Adams avoided the ignominy of another six-yard box miss by going surfing (thereby staying warmer and dryer than any of the rest of us). Colonel and Stu were both on holiday - together for all I know, I don't mind starting rumours. Houdini Lappin joined me on the sidelines having left another in his long line of lovelies literally tied up at home.

GAME ON

The first blast on the referee's whistle was drowned out by the sounds of hammering and sawing coming from the man in the next field who appeared to be constructing a large wooden ship of some sort, while various animals queued up in pairs looking anxiously at the darkening skies.

Easton set about playing one-twos of their own, keeping the ball on the deck and trying to find a way through a well organised Swift defence. Yarrow came closest to breaking the deadlock early on with a rising drive that snapped back off the crossbar while Tiger Teague got an important touch to a cross with two Swift forwards waiting at the far post. Marcus then proceeded to tackle anything that came close enough to him, including his own teammates and the referee.

Fele produced a 'screamer' - one of his trademark skewed shots followed by a shriek of frustration that sounded like Amy Winehouse on finding her dealer has gone on holiday.

Easton 1 - 0 Swift

A corner was broken up and Monday launched into a surgical counter attack that finished with Phil shooting on the turn past the (not so) Swift keeper. With the wind at their backs and the rain starting to lash down, Monday set about trying to build a big first-half lead mindful of their previous performances in inclement conditions. Newby raced clear from the halfway line only to run the ball straight into the goalie's hands like an obedient Jack Russell.

HALF TIME

You know that scene in Crocodile Dundee when Paul Hogan scares away a mugger by saying: "That's not a knife - THIS is a knife!" and trumping the weedy weapon with his own mini-machete? Well, at half time it was as though God said: "That's not rain - THIS is rain!" The wind got up too, launching freezing raindrops the size of a man's fist into the faces of all and sundry and the old chap from the next field ran past asking if anyone had seen a second unicorn because they couldn't really afford to hang around much longer.

Easton 1 - 1 Swift

Monday resumed playing into the teeth of the gale and suffering a collective 'ice-cream headache'. How else to explain Sir Lee slapping a Swift corner into his own net? I wasn't going to have a go at him and neither was anyone else - but I swear I saw Lappin giggling. Honest.

Easton 2 - 1 Swift

A quick tip for any pitchside reporters out there - laminated pages and waterproof pens. That's all I'm saying. Maybe even a portable shed with windscreen wipers - oooh a car! That'd do it! Or perhaps watch the game from the social club! Or just not bother and make up some old tosh from the comfort of your own home (I've done it before and I'm pretty sure nobody noticed).

Good work by Newby and Felix down the left led to the Swift keeper dropping a cross at the feet of Blazer Sheridan who belted the ball past two covering defenders to restore the Monday lead.

Easton 3 - 1 Swift

Imagining the game might somehow be shorter if he could establish a commanding lead, Felix took it upon himself to put Easton two in front, sending a looping shot into the roof of the net from well outside the box. Sir Lee made up for his earlier aberration with a couple of terrific saves - it was the first match for ages that he's had anything to do other than read the papers and decide where to go for lunch.

Easton 4 - 1 Swift

Monday went further ahead when Phil's speculative effort slipped through the keeper's gloves like a soapy toddler at bath time. Easton's new goal hero celebrated by sprinting off for a hot shower - displaying a disappointing, though thoroughly sensible, lack of team spirit. He didn't even volunteer to get the teas in. I'd have liked a nice, hot cup of tea. The tortuous smell of hot chocolate drifting down from the nearby factory didn't help.

Easton 4 - 2 Swift

Another Swift corner, more Easton panic and a shot deflected in off the otherwise excellent Ben Ford - does that mean that Monday players scored all the goals? Substitute Lappin splashed and slid around in borrowed astro boots a couple of sizes too big for him following an apparent mix-up with Sue Ryder - who's she then Paul, another of your conquests?

Easton 5 - 2 Swift

More great work on the edge of the area saw Fele make the points safe with a low drive into the corner. Your reporter was taken away suffering from a mixture of trenchfoot and hypothermia while Matt showed everyone the stud marks on his shin - thankfully he kept the stud marks on his inner thigh to himself.

A grand effort then from the shivering, squelching, 'raining' champions who played some grand football in some truly awful conditions - once again Rance didn't put a foot wrong, although he was strangely quiet throughout (thanks Brian). On a personal note I'd like to send my eternal thanks to Audi for having the tremendous foresight to put heated seats in Paul's car - thus preventing my inevitable early death from pneumonia on the way home. 'Vorsprung Duck Technique' as they say in Fishponds!