Easton Monday 3 - 0 Re-Union

[03 may : Axa Sun Life]

Ah, a sniff of glory in the air prompted a full subs bench, all eager to share in the potentially momentous occasion. There were even some spectators to cheer Easton to the title, or to hold Paul's dad back if things started to go wrong.

GAME ON

"I'll have no backchat," said the referee ahead of kick-off, a statement that made sense as he proceeded to turn a blind eye to a series of Re-union fouls that would make Bolton v Blackburn look like an under-five's tiddlywinks friendly. The only things he spotted were a series of non-existent Easton offsides and a phantom foul throw from the Monday right back (it never was!).

On the other side of the pitch marvellous Marcus Teague was gleefully taking advantage of the 'loose' rules and getting himself heartily stuck into the Re-Union right winger. Their left winger kept feeling his groin injury - either that or he'd taken a strong liking to your reporter...

Having been inspired by Milan's display the previous evening, our midfield enforcer Steve Yarrow took on the role of Gattuso - more like Gatooslow - while Felix Francis kept invoking the name of Kaka. Well he kept shouting about us being shit at any rate...

Re-Union 0 - 1 Easton Monday

The mobility of Easton's forwards was causing Re-Union no end of trouble, hence the kicking that they all received. Hats off (or on, I suppose) to Chris Newby for managing to hurdle several scything challenges before putting one on a plate for Pete Sheridan who side-footed Monday into the lead. The ref wanted to blow for offside but since Newbs had pulled it back from the byline he couldn't - ha, ha!

Stu Charlton was doing his level best to win himself his tenth (more or less) penalty of the season by getting fouled in the box whenever he set foot there. One 'Bergkamp' turn out on the left led to a run at goal where he was booted up into the air on no less than three separate occasions. The man in black wouldn't have given a spot kick if the defender had set up a bear trap and pulled an axe out of his sock. Judging from the state of Stu's elbow after the match perhaps that's what happened.

The Easton defence was rarely troubled before the break. On the one occasion that Re-Union did break through Matt No-Name and Sir Lee combined to scare the living Jesus out of the striker, forcing him wide where the chance was lost. Returning from Canada, Brian was enjoying shouting at people his own age again rather than his kids. A gradually purpling Felix was giving him a run for his money though, demanding more effort while Gatooslow tested the keeper with a couple of long range efforts and the patience of his team mates by not passing to anyone.

HALF TIME

Stillman joined Jones on the bench with Martin Platt combining with Ben Adams down the right. The Wearside W'or-rior went off to look for the rest of his arm, being replaced by Morgan who had his goggles firmly focused on the golden boot.

With the tacit approval of Stevie Wonder - sorry, the referee - Re-Union continued to get stuck into the sky blues while Monday miraculously became offside every time they crossed the half way line. Re-Union pressed forward in search of an equaliser but the thin (and fat) blue line held firm; a second Easton goal would make the points safe. And thus it came to pass.

Re-Union 0 - 2 Easton Monday

A loose ball across their own area was seized upon by Blazer Sheridan like a free beer at the bar. It was despatched in the same manner to double the Monday lead. Rather than calm things down the goal only seemed to increase the tension - Marcus was flattened off the ball and Morgan made himself rather unpopular with the Re-Union defenders by running around quickly and tackling them.

Stu had found his severed arm and came back on to wave the sticky end under the Re-Union noses. Stillman came back on and almost immediately fell over in spectacular fashion, that'll teach me to keep warmed-up on the touchline.

Re-Union 0 - 3 Easton Monday

Felix (who'd won everything in the air) proved he could do it on the deck as well by skinning several defenders down the left. His driven cross was knocked past his own keeper by a retreating Re-Unioner and Ben Adams got one of his mechanical limbs to the ball before it crossed the line. Cue the celebrations and fanfares. Coach Jones began looking for an open-topped bus hire company, Colonel nearly dropped his camera and a teary-eyed Lappin senior put down his baseball bat with a nail in it to cheer heartily.

"Success smells like Sienna Miller fresh from the shower," smarmed Lappin junior, while Coach Jones's thoughts went back to players who have helped Easton Monday achieve their greatest success - by leaving - only kidding, by their staunch efforts over the years: "To Tom, Deano, Owen, Jeff and Alf - thanks guys and hope we see you at the celebrations!"

So Easton Monday are champions, or 'chamions' according to the official Casual League website. Where's the 'p'? Ask Brian, he's been taking it all season... Honk!