Easton Monday 7 - 0 Westbury Wanderers

[02 may : Axa Sun Life]

No offence meant lads, but talk about a makeshift defence! Sir Lee was in sunny Minehead enjoying an '80s weekender, although he doesn't look a day over 65, so the gloves were handed to Stillman (gulp!). No-Name had gone to Villa Park for some reason and Rance hadn't made it back across the Atlantic for kick-off. A poor excuse, although I fancy I could still hear him shouting.

The full backs remained unchanged from the previous game and, frankly, smelled like it, while Nick Hand dusted off his ration book to join the Welsh wizard, Pete Sheridan, in the centre.

Yep, you read that right Brian, Blazer at centre back! The golden boot hunting Stu and Morgan could be seen giggling mischievously, rubbing their hands together and twirling imaginary moustaches.

GAME ON

The two sides traded early blows like a couple of blind boxers, both missing badly, but while you could tell that Easton were gradually getting closer, Westbury were kind enough not to make the novice Monday keeper dive preferring instead to test his stamina by firing wide at every given opportunity. Charlton thumped the woodwork like a frustrated carpenter before Westbury's one and only shot on target went straight into the keepers arms like an alcoholic on pay day.

Easton 1 - 0 Westbury

Sheridan's long free kick was flicked on by Stu Charlton and Morgan, the canny Canadian, held off a defender and lobbed the goalie expertly. Referee Purnell was having an interesting game applying the laws of the game in a way that FIFA could only imagine if they had a heavy cheese supper and an overdose of Night Nurse - did anyone else hear him say: "Majority rules, that'll be a goalkick"? Majority rules? That's elections Colonel, elections!

Easton 2 - 0 Westbury

Stu Charlton's excellent corner was met by the forehead of the centre striker-back Sheridan who found the net in the manner of a forgetful trawlerman. In midfield Yarrow was winding his opposite number up like he was clockwork and if Felix plays like that with a cold, then I want a cold. Permanently. Nick Hand forgot to remember not to pull a muscle and pulled a muscle, making way for Tiger Teague who'd been growling and clawing at the Westbury winger from the sidelines.

HALF TIME

"There's no way you can lose this now!" said Colonel, desperately trying to jinx the Easton joy. Mind you, he was the referee so perhaps his optimism was well placed.

Easton 3 - 0 Westbury

Morgan succumbed to a spot of all-in wrestling in the Wanderers' area and the majority shouted for a penalty. Colonel's nothing if not consistent so he pointed to the spot and Charlton added the 'top corner finish' to his 'scuff down the middle' penalty-taking repertoire - taking time to celebrate and relax in his new gazebo. Gazebo indeed, call yourself a northerner?

Easton 4 - 0 Westbury

Lappin (looking like he was born to be a full back) hacked one off the line and Stillman did his level best to throw one in before Newby sped clear from Stu's astute pass on the halfway line to make it 4-0, continuing his run straight off the pitch to be replaced by Ben Adams. Wanderers heads dropped like aristocrats in the French revolution.

Easton 5/6/7 - 0 Westbury

Apologies for lumping three goals in together but they came in the final few minutes in a flurry of superb finishing. First Yarrow set up Charlton to side foot home having tricked the Westbury defence with the old 'miscontrol and stumble' gambit. Then a Jones cross was met on the full by Morgan's forehead and finally, Felix's turn and cross was slammed home on the volley by the flying Jones.

An almost unbelievable win considering the experimental-jazz nature of the defence - Westbury will surely rue not testing the useless Monday stopper. You fools! All that remains are important clashes with Re-Union and Hill Farm Casuals. If Monday can play with the same level of skill and commitment then history beckons. Squeaky bum time anyone? Parp!