Easton Monday 3 - 4 Avon Retreads (aet)

[18 Mar : Fry's]

No complaints about the side we put out; yes, we were missing some first-teamers - Colonel, Paul Lapps and Steve Jones all heading downhill just as fast as those they'd left behind, Nick Hand stuck in a rather long pension queue at the post office - but returning to duty were midfield maestro Felix Francis and speedy beardy Chris Newby.

GAME ON

God it was cold. And windy?! Just before kick-off a house made of stone and containing three little pigs was blown tumbling across the pitch, soon followed by a rather breathless wolf. Captain Yarrow won the toss and elected to try to stand up in the face of the gale - Easton were up against it in more ways than one.

Avon Retreads, top of division 3 of the Casual League, went for it straight away sticking the ball in the air and watching it speed towards Lee in the Easton goal. The pitch was oddly sticky in a 'well-sucked mint humbug' kind of way rather than a 'toffee pudding' way. Claggy rather than clarty, if you know what I mean. Bobbly too; trying to control the ball was like trying to push a piece of string or trying to get a dog into the bath.

Monday 0 - 1 Retreads

A corner from the right led to the mother of all bundles (appropriate, given the day) at the far post, the ball squirming into the net from under a pile of bodies. No-one had a clue who'd provided the final touch but Monday were a goal behind.

Monday 1 - 1 Retreads

But not for long as 'Snakehips' Charlton rode a couple of tackles before being upended in the box. No doubts about it: penalty. Stu extricated himself from the centre back's bottom and struck the spot kick home. Well, he scuffed it in the way that Robert Pires did for Arsenal a couple of seasons ago and the wind took it goalwards. The keeper had time to dive, pick himself up, dive again, pick himself up again, swing a foot at it and STILL miss it!

Monday 1 - 2 Retreads

Arse! A long ball (would've been a short ball if it wasn't so windy) drifted beyond Stillman and was nodded in on the run by the Retreads No. 13 - a smart finish and, in my defence, who would've expected him to stick it in the top corner WITHOUT choosing to bring it down, take me on, turn me inside out and then bury it? Not me obviously.

Monday 2 - 2 Retreads

Well, blow me down! Not content with simply containing the Retread onslaught, Easton drew level when Welsh waltzer Sheridan broke the offside trap and rounded the keeper before side-footing home. A controversial goal certainly, but linesman Field said he was onside and that's good enough for me. Not like his hair was in his eyes or anything...

Monday 2 - 3 Retreads

Just as Easton were hoping to hear the half-time whistle and regroup with a thermos of soup or something, they got caught again. Similar to their second goal, the only differences being that it wasn't your reporter beaten this time and that it was the little No. 6 scoring, this time with a terrific volley on the run.

HALF TIME

Confidence was pretty high at half time; we all felt that 45 minutes with that kind of gale at our backs should be more than enough to claw the one goal deficit back. Stillman even bet Rance that he couldn't score direct from a goal kick (he'd been taking them in the first half - getting good distance and height in the same manner as his shooting).

By god though, it was tough. Easton had come up against a side that could match them physically (just as fat) and tactically (they had players who could shout too). Maybe we tried to play too much 'football'. Maybe we were too confident. Maybe the wind dropped. Whatever, like a constipated racehorse, we made hard going of it. Just about everyone had a go but Edward Woodward took his time turning up; yes, the equaliser was late in coming.

Monday 3 - 3 Retreads

Newbs, bless his chinny chin, got on the end of something in the box and managed to scuff one past the Retreads' keeper. Cue wild scenes of well, relief, I suppose. Despite having made at least a dozen rolling substitutions, the Retread Ref blew for full time bang on ninety minutes denying Easton the chance to press for the winner.

EXTRA TIME

Mothers all over Bristol were getting twitchy as their chocolates and flowers delivery faced a half hour's delay. Dinners were going to be burnt - it was extra time!

GAME BACK ON

Retreads went back on the offensive, pushing Easton back and firing shot after shot (many of them overhit through balls and hoofed clearances) at Lee between the Easton sticks. Felix cajoled, Brian shouted, Matty snarled, Charlton shivered.

Monday 3 - 4 Retreads

Oh come on! The third division side deservedly went in front with a terrific twenty-five-yarder into the top corner - again from the No. 13. Lee waved at it forlornly as it dipped in but wouldn't have got near it if he'd had a step ladder and an air rifle. Which he didn't.

HALF TIME - EXTRA TIME

Seeing their chances of the double flying away like a crisp packet in the stiff breeze, Easton changed their formation. Going to three at the back was supposed to put them on the front foot but straight from the restart it was defensive chaos as the ginger lad made all three of us look silly before dispossessing Lee and inexplicably missing the target from all of three yards!

Even though they'd had a let-off to rival the Apollo space programme, Easton couldn't come back a fourth time and it's Avon Retreads who go into the cup semi-final.

Monday can concentrate on the league and, take note whoever arranges matches in the future; following this defeat and their similar reversal in a gale against Re-Union last year - please don't arrange a game if the wind looks like being anything above 3 on the Beaufort scale. We can't cope with it!