Easton Monday 6 - 1 Axbridge Saxons

[04 Feb : somewhere in deepest Fishponds]

Stillman sets the scene

On the kind of lovely, crisp winter's Sunday morning that really makes you appreciate lovely, crisp winter's Sunday mornings, Easton Monday continued their double-pronged assault on Bristol's casual football record books with a tough looking fixture in the Harry Mottram cup against tasty second division outfit Axbridge Saxons. Given a largely full strength squad to choose from, coach Jones opted for an Arsenal-style youth policy towards the cup keeping the old (and very old) heads on the bench.

The subs amused themselves on the sidelines running a sweepstake on how long right-winger Ben Adams would last (Colonel was closest with 20 seconds), and trying to stop Nick Hand from wandering off. A surprise but welcome visitor was Jeff Gravestock who cast aspersions on everything from this reporter's note taking to the goalkeeping displays by the custodians of both teams, the state of the grass, and how rubbish Brian was at winning the toss.

As if to prove Jeff right, Brian lost the toss and Easton set off kicking down the slope with the sun at their backs, settling down quickly and playing some nice possession football.

Game On

Six minutes in and Felix hammered one from well outside the area that slammed back off the crossbar and left the Saxons' keeper looking as confused as Jade Goody shown a magic trick. Five minutes later, Steve Yarrow came sneaking in at the far post to get on the end of a long cross and put a header three yards past the post - at least, that's how far it would've missed by had the keeper not knocked it into his own side netting.

Adams took up Yarrow's "let's see who can miss the most chances" challenge, adding an interesting "and let's see who can miss by the largest distance" twist: Adams going for height while Yarrow concentrated on width - the ball was sent skittering down the slope more often than Pete Doherty gets arrested.

15 mins GOAL
Easton 1 Saxons 0

An Axbridge kick out gave Felix the chance to first shout "Felix's ball", then "No, it's gone over me" and finally "Oh go on then, I'll get it", before nodding it forward to Blazer Sheridan who played Stu Charlton through on goal. The soon-to-be-father managed to concentrate long enough to slip the ball home expertly - obviously unseen by Yarrow and Adams - and then looked to the touchline to see if there was "any news". There wasn't, although young Henry Jones was proving to be an astute observer: "Ben keeps missing the goal," he pointed out. "You lot would've been better off if he'd been injured in the warm-up like you all thought," he might've added, but didn't.

22 mins GOAL
Easton 2 Saxons 0

In a wonderful display of close control, Felix brought the ball down on a sludgy halfway line, beating two men with a shimmy and a swerve and playing Charlton in down the right channel. A first time square pass inside found Blazer who got there just before the keeper to slide his shot into the net - a lovely move and a great goal! Even Matt could be seen shaking his head and grinning like a man whose kids had just done something unexpected and entertaining.

33mins GOAL
Easton 3 Saxons 0

A free kick from Brian just in from the left touchline was flicked on by Blazer and Felix rose at the far post to bravely beat the keeper and nod in. Easton had taken control of the game and were looking as comfortable as mink-lined trousers.

The Adams/Yarrow missing contest continued at a furious pace as a nervous looking caretaker began boarding up the windows at the technical college in preparation for the second half. Saxons rallied briefly, firstly hitting the bar and then winning a free kick in a promising position after Owen had kept up his 'one shocking tackle per game' average by felling the Saxons' left back (a dead ringer for Artie Bucco from the Sopranos). Wisely, perhaps fearing retribution by a 'made man', Owen spent the next five minutes chasing Artie round the pitch trying to apologise.

An Axbridge goal that would've brought them back into the contest was controversially ruled out by Nick Hand's offside flag - although it turned out that he was just demonstrating how he used to walk ahead of cars as a child to earn pocket money.

As the half drew to a close, Nick replaced Marcus Teague who was still celebrating winning a thumping header in midfield and the visitors again went close, Sir tipping a looping shot over the bar and leaving a dent in the post. So could Axbridge make a second half comeback of Jonny Wilkinson proportions or would Easton pull clear like a Rance shot breaking free of Earth's gravity? Here's Jeff Gravestock to take up the story...

Half Time
Gravestock takes up the story...

Clearly due to global warming, the temperature hit 37 degrees just before the half time whistle went. Some joker mentioned there was snow forecast for the following week but they'd obviously been smoking on a 'Cameron' the night before.

Skipper Rance therefore held his rousing half time team talk under a gazebo while dipping his feet into the local pool. It had been a while since I'd been able to listen in to one of Rances Rants but it was reassuring to hear it still couldn't be broadcast before the watershed:
"xxxxxxxx xxxx that bunch of xxxxx we should be giving them a right xxxxxxxx in the xxxxx. xxxxxxxx sort it out you xxxxx."

He did take the time, though, to congratulate Ben on actually making it through a whole half of injury free football, the "xxxxxxx lazy xxxxxx".

As the team ran through a fountain of ice water on the way back to the pitch, little did they know that Axbridge had listened in on the Rant and started the half like some discarded Suffolk turkeys – on fire.

From the restart they forged their way, in a fairly casual way given the temperature, down the Easton end for a good shooting opportunity. Luckily the shot was as accurate as the prediction that Liverpool would never sell out to a bunch of Yanks. The big Saxons forward had taken a while to get down to the penalty area and wasn't going to be rushed back, so he put down a deckchair and had a little kip. He was to be joined later by Pete Stillman, which was nice, and made life easy for the dashingly handsome linesman to decide who was 'active' in play. No-one.

Soon Easton rediscovered their first half form, probing the wings consistently through the impressive Howie and Simon. It's the first time I've seen the new January window signings and I have to say I was impressed. Howie is the best Canadian / English / German / Yank mix since that fella in Munich and Simon reminded me of Ted 'Tinman' McMinn, if anyone can remember him. I believe he won the Derby County 'Cult Hero' Trophy (good use of spell check there) with his beefy battles down the left wing. I don't know who used to occupy that position at Easton, but if there was possibly another role he could have in the club (sorting out fixtures as an example) that could be a good call.

Anyway, to the action and it was the Tinman who broke the second half deadlock with a strong, hatless, run. Skipping majestically past the stranded (or was it beached?) goalie, Tinny stroked the ball into the empty net for 4-0.

Easton 4 Saxons 0

The Axbridge heads were now as far down as Michael Vaughan's batting average. Fele was at his masterful best in the middle, mixing sublime skills with a heading ability you wouldn't expect from someone so tiny.

Yazzer Yarrow was also having a strong game and, up front, Blazer was confounding his many critics by not blazing anything (slightly disappointing for the infrequent spectator I have to say). Only Andre Stuchenco was struggling to make an impression on the half, possibly weighed down by the burden of expectation. Although the manager came out later to publicly support him, questions have to be asked about his relationship with the chairman and his ability to make an impression in the higher leagues.

One of the best performances of the second half was being put in by Paul 'Ding Dong' Lappin, who had spotted a nice young filly on the touchlines. He was working tirelessly for the cause, sometimes running up blind allies, but always having the confidence and ability to try again. His endless probing was creating splits in the defence and, with the occasional touch of genius, it looked for a long time that he was in a position to put in his most impressive performance for a while. Unfortunately, Coach Jones spoiled his fun by substituting him into the football match where, frankly, he was crap.

Time for another goal, and the memory is getting a bit hazy at this point. Nick Hand had entered the fray, accompanied as always by the tannoy playing the theme from Steptoe & Son. Having made a fine interception, he caressed a sublime pass down the left wing for the on-rushing Blazer to collect. Keeping his cool impressively (no, it doesn't sound right to me either), Blazer calmly continued to the touch line before slotting the ball across the middle for the incoming Yazzer to bundle home.

Easton 5 Axbridge 0

This was quickly followed by Hand departing from the pitch again having been given a delicious A&E pass by Fele, who was clearly upset that someone had put in a pass as good as one of his. Hand rolled around for a while and confirmed to the medical expert in the Axbridge team where the pain was generating from – all over, apparently. The medical team agreed Steptoe was a write-off and he was escorted from the pitch for scrapping and recycling into something more useful, like a wine carrier.

At some point soon after this, another goal was scored by another Easton player. To be blunt, the game had lost all impetus and suspense by now and I was more interested in the McClaren-like substitutions being made by Coach Jones. One of those making way was Stuchenko, ready to face the wrath of the tabloid press after failing to impress. Coach Jones, or 'The Special One' as he likes to be known, told the waiting journalists Andre was contributing by "pulling well for the team", at which point Ding Dong Lappin complained that was his job and flounced off.

Easton 6 Axbridge 0

With 10 minutes left, Axbridge showed they had more fighting spirit than the Chinese Olympic Team and started attacking strongly. This was possibly helped by the fact they no longer had to worry about offside because Pete 'Don't Worry, I'll Hang Back' Stillman was permanently stationed on the goal line having a chat with Sir about Rovers play-off hopes. After 2 near misses and one fantastic left hand save onto the post by the toughest goalie in the league, Axbridge notched their consolation when the big Saxons forward roused himself from his siesta, stood on his deck chair and nodded home past Lee (and Stilly of course).

Easton 6 Saxons 1

The final whistle went soon after, with Easton still on course for Wem-ber-ley. It was an impressive, dominating display and as the years go by it appears the squad just gets stronger. Surely this year, with skill in spades, talent in trowels and management in lingerie the team will finally go on to claim the elusive Harry Mottram Cup. They're helped by the fact they also don't have to cope with a goalie sporting a '0 win 11 loss' record in Cup Finals. Great linesman though.

pics by Colonel