Easton Monday 4 - 3 Flying Saucers

[19 Nov : Fry's, Keynsham]

The team news was worrying; Marcus had been abducted and possibly subjected to anal probes, we'll have to ask him if we ever see him again. Sir Lee was also an absentee - it turns out that three hours just isn't long enough to get over knee surgery so Colonel bravely offered to keep goal and Simon Field (known as Sci-Fi for the punsome purposes of this report) continued at left-back. Predictably, the impressive strength in depth of Easton's substitute list had been reduced by kick-off time to just Paul Lappin. Matt No Name realised that he could get away with shouting at both sets of players if he was referee and took to the role with gusto while his kids went through our bags on the sidelines.

Game On

Recognising a lack of pace when they see it the Saucers started with three teenagers upfront and relied on the old 'long ball over the top' ploy. It worked. A huge clearance bounced over Owen and teenager no.1 put down his Game Boy (I'll bet he was playing Space Invaders) just long enough to fire past Colonel - the third time this season that Easton had conceded the first goal.

Easton Monday 0 - 1 Flying Saucers
Easton set off in search of an equaliser, Stu Charlton nearly quite literally getting his head punched off by the Inter-galactico keeper. The striker was seeing stars but alas for the blues, was able to continue. Steve Jones found himself up against a full-back who looked as though he'd eaten the last winger he'd seen (and gone back for seconds) and was getting plenty of joy cutting in from the flank, hitting the post on one occasion before the Saucers increased their lead.

Easton Monday 0 - 2 Flying Saucers
Another long ball found teenager no.2 in space and he lashed the second in, Colonel getting a despairing hand to it (but not until he was picking it out of the net).

Rance commented on the lack of communication at the back, a fact not helped by Stillman's Bacofoil helmet ("they're not going to read my mind!") and Colonel being stuck in some kind of tractor beam.

Easton Monday 0 - 3 Flying Saucers
As if to prove his point, Brian was robbed of possession, his wallet and mobile phone near the touchline and teenager no.3 launched one over Purnell and under the bar. Monday were missing more chances than a second-hand Monopoly set, Jones firing wide with just the keeper to beat, Blazer Sheridan living up to his nickname, Yarrow volleying over the bar and Charlton somehow managing to miss the large selection of barn doors which were stacked up to either side of the goal.

Half Time

Half time and Easton found themselves three-nil down. Coach Jones tried to rally the troops by recalling Liverpool's Champions League final comeback against Milan a couple of years ago - but miracles only happen once right? Felix Francis urged the importance of slick passing and calm heads while Sci-Fi passed round the Jelly Babies.

Early in the second half the Saucers keeper continued his one man mission to hospitalise the whole Easton team. Newby, innocently picking his nose in the Saucers' area avoided the offside trap and attempted a mind-meld with the goalie's knee, breaking both finger and nose. His beanie was stretchered off and faces a long spell on the sidelines. Lappin came on for the dazed winger just in time to play his part in Easton's first goal.

Easton Monday 1 - 3 Flying Saucers
A slick backheel (or was it another wayward shot) from Charlton set-up Felix on the edge of the area 51 minutes in (Area 51! Come on, this is good stuff!) and his rising drive nearly took the net with it.

And then the turning point. On a foray out of his area to check that the teenagers had done their homework, Purnell picked up a thigh strain and a largely unsympathetic Easton team gathered round. Much whistling and inspection of boots/shirt cuffs/sky ensued before Stillman foolishly made eye contact with the stricken keeper and was volunteered for glove duty. Newby shooed away the cartoon birds tweeting round his head and returned to the fray - what a (storm) trooper!

Freed from the shackles of having to clear up behind Stillman, Owen Thomas moved forward into midfield and Lappin filled-in at right-back. Brian's dream of a 3-5-2 formation had become science fact. The second half was proving to be more one-sided than the wear and tear on Heather Mills-McCartney's bath mat but a second goal was frustratingly elusive.

Easton Monday 2 - 3 Flying Saucers
The substitute keeper booted one away as the Flying Saucers got the scent of blood in their nostrils and Sci-Fi made a match-saving tackle on the edge of the Monday box. With fifteen minutes left it was the left-back who gave Monday real hope, tricking his way into alien territory and unleashing an unstoppable corker from 25 yards.

Frayed nerves were becoming edgier than U2's greatest hits. In midfield, an exasperated Felix was looking more stressed than Marcus Trescothick moving house, his frustrated shouts rising in pitch until they became inaudible to the human ear; Charlton inexplicably missed a hat-trick of glorious opportunities to equalise - one in particular where he dummied the keeper and then stroked wide had Newby seeking another bang on the head; Blazer and Owen literally fell over each other trying to score from a corner; Charlton missing with a free header from another corner (despite the textbook 'eyes closed, shoulders hunched' technique).

Easton Monday 3 - 3 Flying Saucers
Yarrow had been fairly quiet in the second period but flared magnificently into life as he played a one-two with Stu (although it could've been a shot at goal from the misfiring Mackem...), nutmegged a static defender who had unwisely taken up a stance not unlike the bowling alley girls in the Dude's dream sequence from The Big Lebowski and beat the keeper at the near post from the edge of the box. Three each!

Despite compiling a catalogue of ugly misses to rival any mail order Russian bride website, Monday heads never dropped. Easton had finally found the way to bring down the Saucers: hit the target and stay far enough away from the keeper to avoid serious injury.

Easton Monday 4 - 3 Flying Saucers
They were like a runaway train, and with the game heading towards extra time (or E.T. - please try to keep up) a cross from the left found Jones steaming in from the right wing. Resisting the temptation to 'do a Stu' and put it into orbit, he chested the ball down and hammered a breathless winner. There could've been time for a dramatic Saucers reply but Owen ros(e)well to nod a last gasp corner away (Roswell/rose well - hmmm, I might be pushing my luck a bit there).

Unbelievable! Man of the Match went to Chris Newby for bravery above and beyond the call of duty; as Sheridan said: "Newbs was a top man and fought like a tiger when he came back on".

A jubilant coach Jones said: "At half time I just wanted to escape, seeing my coaching career coming crashing down around me. Matt and his kids had dug an escape tunnel during the first half and I was halfway into it when I felt Fele's hand on my shoulder. 'We can do it coach!' he said in a South American sort of accent and I looked up at the rest of the team nodding in agreement. Much to the surprise of the thousands of French Cadbury Fry's workers who were watching, we proudly trooped out for the second half. Once again the game became a blur: 1-3, 2-3 then 3-3. Cries of 'victoire, victoire' were ringing in my ears; as the ball ran towards me everything went into slow motion. Time stood still as I struck it. Then the roar of the boiler-suited workers as the net bulged. We were carried away on a sea of emotion, blending in with the crowd past the guards to the safety of the bar - victory was ours!"

A blood, sweat and tear-stained Newby shouted: "Glory, glory Easton Monday!" from the back of the ambulance and the suave Lappin fnarred, "It always looks better when you come from behind." I wonder what he thought of the match?

Colonel added, "Cor blimey!" in the style of Sid James. Battling like that it surely won't be long before the Flying Saucers lift-off into the second division but had Easton taken just half of their chances it would've been double figures. Make no mistake though, this was a comeback that was out of this world.

By Clean-sheet Pete, with many thanks to Yazza, Jonesy, Newbs and Colonel.

Match day photos by Lapps