Easton Monday 3 - 2 Red Star Bedmister

[08 Oct : Fry's, Keynsham]

Coach Jones consulted his well-thumbed copy of 'How to Coach a Soccer Team: Professional Advice on Building a Winning Team' by Tony Carr (£12.99), and made a couple of high-profile changes. Out went Paul Lappin having 'pulled something' (but not in Cardiff) clutching his bible, 'Hello: the Autobiography of Leslie Phillips' (£14.99); John Howarth, at home studying Christy Brown's 'My Left Foot' (£17.99 hardback) to see what one looks like; and Chris 'The Cat in the Hat' (£4.99) Newby.

Returning from gardening leave was Matt No-Name and we all welcomed back Sir to play in goal - or wherever he wanted, we weren't going to argue with him. Our very own 'Mitchell Brothers' continued as a midfield pairing, leaving Peggy in charge of the Vic. Having retired his no. 14 shirt, Tom Adams seemed surprised to see both substitute Simon and linesman Stilly wearing one, and set about the tricky task of marking the coach's children on the touchline and keeping them away from his copy of 'Creature Comforts' by Jessica Stirling (£5.99) - "not what I expected".

Game On

Easton set about Red Star from the off with The Colonel going close, cutting-in from the left and hitting the bar whilst fielding several 118-118 queries on his mobile. Sadly, none of the calls were from people looking for a blind referee because one was close to hand, busying himself with turning down penalty claims from both Charlton and Sheridan.

Easton Monday 0 - 1 Red Star Bedminster
A long ball through the middle found a disappointed Brian musing on 'Shout! The True Story of the Beatles' by Philip Norman (£9.99) - "too much music, not enough shouting" - instead of tackling a gleeful Bedminster forward who somehow found a gap between Sir and the goalframe to put the south Bristol side one up. Red Star's youth policy (three of them are Owen's age!) combined with the wise old heads of Catweazle and a bloke who looked like Stalin seemed to be paying dividend.

Easton Monday 1 - 1 Red Star Bedminster
Taking a leaf out of Ainsley Harriott's 'Feel-Good Cookbook' (£15.00), Charlton made not so much a meal as an entire feast out of a push in the Red Star box to earn a penalty. Having elected himself penalty-taker, Steve Yarrow decided that Stu needed a consolation from ripping his shorts and let him take the spot-kick. Seeing more Mackem flesh on display than was entirely necessary, the keeper knelt to retch by one of the posts allowing Charlton to 'cheekily' roll the ball home.

Easton Monday 2 - 1 Red Star Bedminster
He was still looking a little pale as Pete Sheridan took time away from the 'Official Charlotte Church Calendar 2007' (£6.99) to nod in a Rance corner and put Easton 2-1 up. No-Name was taking control of the Blues' defence, citing Alan Titchmarsh's 'The Gardener's Year' (half price offer £10.00) as his inspiration, planting long passes to the front men and sowing the seeds of eventual victory.

With the wind at their backs, Easton could've been forgiven for assuming the second half would be plain sailing, yet Phil and Grant had come across opponents as eager in the tackle as themselves - the word of 'Profession of Violence: the Rise and Fall of the Kray Twins' by John Pearson (£7.99) made flesh. Charlton missed a cast iron skillet of a chance to make it 3-1 despite his textbook, eyes-closed header.

Easton Monday 2 - 2 Red Star Bedminster
At the back, Owen had clearly been reading too much into 'Rio: My Story' by Rio Ferdinand (£10.00) and was taking the 'casual' league far too literally, allowing the ball to bounce past him while he tried to remember if he was supposed to take a drug-test or not. The Red Star striker found the sun eclipsed by Sir yet still managed to find the net with a neat lob. The teams were doing a passable impression of Jade Goody's ears - there being nothing between them.

Purnell made way for substitute Simon and settled down with his copy of 'Frost on My Moustache: the Arctic Exploits of a Lord and a Loafer' by Tim Moore (£12.95) while Easton applied pressure.

Easton Monday 3 - 2 Red Star Bedminster

Like the early stages of a tricky jigsaw puzzle, there were a series of corners with no end product in the middle; more crosses were going into the box than a Zimbabwean election but the winner was proving elusive until Matty found the unmarked Charlton with a peach tree of a through-ball. Stuey had time to boil an egg before comfortably beating the keeper and giving him another glimpse of Sunderland's finest.

There was still time for Marcus to show 'The Teeth of the Tiger' by Tom Clancy (£6.39) with a looping effort and Owen to try his luck with a turn and shot into the side netting before Sir ensured that Easton would take the points when he touched a rising drive onto the bar and away in a cloud of rust.

So, another win without playing particularly well but following Bristol Rovers' 1-0 win over Boston and England's 0-0 draw with Macedonia, easily the best game this reporter witnessed over the weekend. Oh, and a 'token' mention of the linesman who was exceptional throughout. And no-one got booked! Honk!