Easton Monday 4 - 1 Bathelona

[01 Oct : Fry's, Keynsham]

Having retired from having to be concerned about such matters which would now be sorted out by 'Pitch Arranger' Fele Francis I mumbled down the phone and headed straight back to bed.

Unfortunately I remembered that Fele was absent and 'Match Arranger' Newby was returning from vacation. Knowing that the sub-sea level pitches of the Fry's Club usually resembled duck ponds following a few millimeters of rainfall I phoned the club to get a pitch report.

An hour later and still no reply from Fry's I set off for the match with minutes to spare. Ahhhhhhhhh the joy of retirement. And what to I get on my arrival? "Colonel have you got any spare socks? Colonel have you got any goalie gloves"....Ahhhhhhh the joy of retirement.

In the absence of Field Marshal Jones, selection duties fell to his No.2 General Rance in consultation with his Commanders, Yarrow and Charlton.

With stand-in-stand-in-keeper Sir wisely deciding to watch the rugby instead of getting pissed on, General Rance asked Private Owen to don the keeper gloves once we had found some.

Full back duties were given to Corporal Teague and Sgt No-Name (Matt the Gardner failed to turn up). New 'Now-And-Then' recruit Ben 'The Mercenary' Ford stood in next to General Rance at centre back.

Commander Yarrow lined up alongside Squadron Leader Sheridan foregoing his usual striking duties to help out in midfield. Wing Commander Newby would be flying down the left wing whilst someone resembling Earl Hickey from 'My Name Is Earl' (see pic) dossed out on the right.

Up front Commander Charlton was partnered by Sniper Lappin.

General Rance gave the expected rousing pre-match speech, outlining the battle plan. Bathelona were a decent side who would provide stiff opposition. We would need to be on top of our game to get the result and our campaign off to the start we wanted.

Bombadier Howarth was granted his wish to be on from the start when the General asked him if he would mind reffing.

Let battle commence

The battle commenced with the Easton's troops attacking from the start. Easton had lost the toss and as a result found themselves kicking up hill and against a galeforce wind. Unfortunately despite finding plenty of good advanced positions the troops seemed to be firing blanks and were unable to hit their target. The best move of the half resulted in Commander Yarrow slipping behind enemy lines only to see his low shot drift wide.

General Rance's men were winning the midfield battle leaving the defence to simply sweep up the odd stray attack. The forwards continued to create opportunities. Bathelona's keeper was turning out to be their busiest and best player.

Easton Monday 0-1 Bathelona
The conditions, however would prove to play a major part when Bathelona's first speculative shot caught a gust of wind to float over Easton's stranded keeper. Totally against the run of play the enemy were one up.

With 10 minutes of the half to go Howarth eventually got to see some action when Sqd Ldr Sheridan limped off having appeared to step on a land mine judging by the state of his Nike boots which seemed to dislove in the soggy conditions.

Half-time:
Easton Monday 0-1 Bathelona
Commander Charlton observed... "In light of my lack of scoring - I only request full mention of my tireless "off the ball running" that included a 2 mile sprint to the car park at half-time to get Sherri some replacement boots. That did me in that did. Putting 2 and 2 together... given our well-chronicled rivalry for the Golden Boot I haven't ruled out the possibility he was sore that I'd engineered him a midfield holding role and he accidentally-on-purpose trod on his own foot* to create the problem."

The General was confident his troops would fare better in the second with the wind at their back. Continued pressure forced further fine saves from Bathelona's keeper, but it was only a matter of time before Easton would be back on even terms.

Easton Monday 1-1 Bathelona
General Rance recalls the incident that led to Easton's equaliser... "the Bathelona defender stumbled laughing at both Colonel's 'gringo' tash and Lappins 'porn star' tash, he was struck on the side of the head by a stunning cross from Newby on the left flank. The ball subsequently powered into the net passed the outstretched glove of the keeper. Had the Mondays attack realised that this tactic would work so well, they would have tried it in the first half rather than waste all of Colonel's pin-point accurate balls in from the right."

Easton had finally hit the target albeit with the help of the enemy. Confidence grew and the troops surged forward.

Easton Monday 2-1 Bathelona
Sniper Lappin pounced on an opportunity to strike, he recalls...

"Commander Charlton threaded through a beautifully weighted ball from just outside the area. I saw the keeper run out to smother it - It was 50:50. My temptation was to leave the ball and jump the keeper, but my newly found striker's determination kicked in. The crowd held their breaths. In a desperate stretch I gritted my teeth, lowered my eyebrows and slid in with my left foot. Now, some would say that I closed my eyes hoping that a) I made contact with the ball in some small way and b) my teeth remained intact. But NO my friends, I skillfully managed to scoop the ball up over the prostrate keeper, and watch it bounce gently into the back of the net. In one smooth movement I continued sliding 'till I was upright and jogged to absorb the praise of my fellow team mates. Yeah, it was a truly special goal, sure. I'm just glad I was able to give team mates the lift they needed to go on and get the victory they deserved. I was just doing my job."

After an hour the General decided to rest the Earl Hickey impersonator and put Howarth in the front line, moving Sniper Lappin out to the wing.

The troops failed to capitalise on their lead despite the rallying cry's from Sqd Ldr Sheridan ("c'mon lads we need one more") and Sniper Lappin ("c'mon guys we're doing alright, we're good, we can do this").

Infact Bathelona almost sneaked an equaliser when some comedy defending ended up with Ben 'The Mercenary' nearly backhealing the ball into his own net.

Easton Monday 3-1 Bathelona
Frustrated by his teams lack of killer instinct keeper Private Owen took things into his own hands with an assist for the third goal. Sensing that the enemy were dozing he launched a mighty wind-assisted-anti-tank-bomb of a goal kick deep into enemy territory. Sniper was lurking in the shadows and jumped their keeper as the bouncing bomb landed. The collision/foul (unseen by ref Earl Hickey who was busy getting some Karma) resulted in the keeper requiring the Paramedics whilst Wing Commander Newby swept in avoiding the shrapnel to slot the ball home. 3-1.

Easton Monday 4-1 Bathelona
With a minute left Commander Yarrow, seeing the enemy were retreating and victory was in sight, advanced into enemy territory. Unlike the countless previous missions this one ended in success. Yarrow plucks his oft-used rose-tinted spectacles from his desk drawer and takes up the story...

"Charlton dropped deep into the centre circle to pick the ball up, whilst doing so he was closed down by two of Bathelona's midfielders, standing about 5 yards back I calmly asked Stu if he'd be so kind as to lay the ball off back to me, however in true Stu style he decided he'd do them both and attempted to flick the ball back over his head and over those of the two pursuing defending midfielders. This failed.

"The ball rebounded off Stu's chest, onto his knee and, for a brief moment,appeared to break free, (At this point I did consider getting involved however the three of them looked quite cosy and so I thought I'd stand back and continue with my 'observer only' position - wise move) as soon as the ball broke free Stu again pounced on the ball and with shear bloody minded determination completely failed to flick the ball between the two midfielders, the ball ricochet of knees, shins, thighs, chests - anything but feet until finally getting fed up with the whole charade the two Bathelona players slid into Stu in unison. The three crumpled to the ground as one, and my 'observer only' position was fully justified as the ball gently rolled into my feet."

Fellow northerner Charlton interprets...
"I think what the little Geordie fella is trying to say is that I tackled two players and layed the ball off for him"

Commander Yarrow blathers on anyway...
"Side stepping the wistful glares of the entangled remains of the Bathelona central midfield I strode purposefully forward, sensing their right midfielder heading my way I drifted to the right from my central position, realising that this was about it as far as midfield resistance went I pushed on, reaching about 25 yards a central defender, sensing the impending danger, charged out to attempt a block, all in vain, with one more little push of the ball to the right I gracefully side stepped the challenge before unleashing a tremendous right foot shot, the keeper attempted to push the ball over the bar, getting a glancing hand to it, unfortunately for him there was too much power and the ball sent the net billowing in it's effort to contain its ferocity. I understand he's now out of A & E and is expected to be out for the rest of the season, however he should be back next year once the searing burns have healed."

Charlton's interpretation...
"Fishy on a dishy."

Game over

So despite periods of the conflict not being carried out with the millitary precision Field Marshal Jones had come to expect from his men, the troops stuck to their task and the battle was won. Commander Yarrow was awarded the MOM for his leadership support, continuous bombardments into enemy territory and taking down the enemy at every opportunity.

General Rance was heard later muttering to himself..."Smell that, I love that smell in the morning, smells like.......victory!"