Easton Monday 5 - 0 Barely Athletic

[21 may : Russell Town Avenue, Lawrence Hill]

After a chequered career, Sven Goran Purnell announced earlier in the year that he was leaving. This followed a series of scandals involving the HTV weather forecaster (Fred), and the secretary of the Casuals League (Barry). The final straw, however, was when he was duped by a fake pizza delivery boy into revealing that Stu Charlton was only in it for the money and that Paul Lappin was only interested in the booze and the birds. Now there's a scoop. Oh, and that he wanted extra garlic bread.

So the boys turned up at the Bristol Academy mainly to make sure he didn't change his mind. The squad was missing Brian (relegated to the stand-by squad), Deano (enjoying play off heaven), Newbs (in Lake District rehab) and Owen (still sulking in his room after he lost the game of marbles with his best friend Theo that meant he wasn't going on that summer camp in Germany). Still, given the Easton squad size there was still plenty of available talent to stand in the rain looking stupid and kicking balls at the cars in the car park. Particularly at the 1996 Toyota Avensis. Sorry about that.

The Academy set up is a bit new and the fact there were proper doors and signs indicating where the changing rooms were confused the Monday boys for a while. So, doing what blokes do best, they walked around a lot and refused to ask anyone. Then they found the broom cupboard and thought it looked better than most changing rooms they end up in and so they settled there.

The pitch was amazing. It was flat. You could see the markings. There was no broken glass. For a while Easton thought they'd turned up at the wrong place. The Astroturf surface was, according to Steve Yarrow, made up of used tyres, old yogurt cartons and hair retrieved from the salon floor the last time Paul Lappin had a cut. As a result, it was strangely bouncy in 'caddish-lad-about-town' type of way.

The game started slowly with all the intensity and passion of a game of Whist at Nick Hand's old folk's home. Indeed No-Name spent the first few minutes working out the combined age of the centre back pairing. Last time I heard, he'd made it up to 135, but then he had to stop as he saw an opponent's leg without a bruise on it. From a personal pride point of view he simply couldn't allow that to continue.

With Easton gradually getting used to playing on Paul Lappin, so to speak, the passing got better. Platt was taking full advantage of his inclusion at right back, rightly choosing to pass to Matt every time he barked at him. Tiger Teague was typically tenacious and it looked as if the Mondays were assuming control. It was also in this first 10 minutes that Fele started his own personal challenge of seeing just how far he could slide on the shiny new surface. With his first effort he managed a disappointing straight 7.5 yards, but practice makes perfect and he was to improve on this throughout the match.

Now I know I'm not one to speak, but it did appear the Barely Athletic's weak spot was standing between the goal posts. Every time Easton attacked there appeared to be danger. In fact, even from the Athletic's own goal kicks there was danger, in true Robert Green fashion. Surely all the Mondays had to do was get the thing on target and they were in with a reasonable shout. Ah, it sounds so easy but ask any random passer-by like, for example, Pete Sheridan and he'll confirm that getting a shot on target is as tricky as predicting a Sven World Cup squad. Indeed the hardest working Easton 'player' in these early stages was Jon Howarth, reduced to the role of ball boy and trying to work out how to get his svelte figure under the metal gate at the end of the pitch and into the gravel pit beyond. It was like an Airbus A380 trying to fit into a double garage in Bradley Stoke. Worth a try, and certainly intriguing to watch, but let's face it it was never going to work.

The biggest threat to Easton remained their own recalled goalkeeper, who has now officially not caught a ball for longer than Gnarls Barclay has been at No.1. I would say that he flapped at the few attacks to come his way, but at the moment flapping is something he is looking to move up a level to.

Finally, Coach Jones declared that he'd had enough of all the messing about and cut in from his left wing position. Running into acres of space, Jones let fly with all his might and the ball flew majestically into the empty net. Even Coach was surprised to find out just how easy it all was. Then he saw that Lappin, in his role as referee, had invited the whole Barely Athletic team across to the sidelines for a touch of wine tasting. He spat a rather fruity Chardonnay into his whistle and minced back to the centre circle to restart the game.

Easton 1 -0 Barely Awake

This first effort appeared to demoralise the Athletic athletes and they took to a bit of charity work. In a highly suspicious move that questioned the integrity of the Casuals League, an Athletic defender turned towards his own goal and put a perfect through ball to the feet on an on-rushing (I'm being generous there) Sven Colonel. Sven took it in his stride and placed the ball sweetly past the static goalkeeper. I'm sure it was just a mistake on behalf of the defender, but when he strode across to the touchline to collect a brown envelope from some hooded gentleman I did begin to wonder...

Easton 2 - 0 Barely Interested

Easton were well on top now, with Fele winning everything in midfeld both in the air and on the floor. Just to prove this, he put in an impressive 10 metre slide with pyke, ending with his shorts so high up his arse the cord was coming out of his mouth.

One player who had remained relatively anonymous was the over-paid and over-here Stu Charlton but, with the boos of the home fans ringing in his ears, he temporarily silenced them by smashing a left footer that the keeper had no chance of getting to. (Unless of course he'd been even remotely capable, in which case he'd have stopped it easily with the little finger of his weaker hand.)

Half Time: Easton 3 - 0 Barely Turned Up

Amidst much back slapping, the Easton management decided to make a few changes at half time with Coach Jones calling up Howarth despite the fact he'd 'never seen him play'. This was after knowing him for 5 years. Still, everyone knows that pace is a critical factor in the modern game and so, with the eyes of the nation on him, Howarth took his place up front. Tiger Teague was also taken off at half time for the team's talisman Stillman to enter the fray, keen to extend his run of consecutive goal scoring appearances to two.

Once again, in true Easton tradition, the Monday boys forgot to start the second half for a good 15 to 20 minutes. This generous approach was welcomed by the rejuvenated Athletic battlers, and some concerted pressure led to the ball spending most of the time in the Easton half. Luckily, at no point did they manage to get a shot on target, leaving Gravestock to test the fitness of his dodgy knee by taking lots of goal kicks. They haven't improved.

After one long run that left him as knackered as Jermain Defoe's chances of having an impressive World Cup, Sven Purnell decided it was time to exit the scene. Floating on a sea of emotion, he waived to all 4 sides of the ground before swapping with Lappin and taking over refereeing duties. From then on, he proceeded to lose any sympathy people had with him with a series of highly questionable decisions, including giving a "drop ball" when Fele was man-handled in a way that would only be suitable for late night satellite viewing. In hindsight, perhaps Purnell wasn't shouting out his decision but giving his medical opinion on the outcome of the scuffle.

There was still time for 2 more goals to finish off the game and, with it, the Easton season. First, Charlton curled a beauty in from the edge of the area and secondly Steve Yarrow capped a battling display by neatly tucking away a chance into a Muller Corner.

Easton 5 - 0 Barely Had a Look In

I don't know who got the Man of the Match award as I'm an unsociable bloke and didn't hang around, but Fele must have been in with a shout. Not necessarily for his footballing skills, but mainly for the 12 yard slide (with triple axel) in the second half that left him in agony, clutching his metatarsal. Bloomin fashion victim.

So that's it then. It was a season which started with the promise of a Theo Walcott, faded in the middle with the despair of a Wright-Phillips but was rejuvenated towards the end with the hope of an Aaron Lennon. Third place in their first season in the top league isn't a bad effort and gives the new boss something to work on. No names have been confirmed yet, but a ruddy-faced red-haired fella from the North East was seen discussing terms with the team's benefactor. Given his impressive record in losing Cup Finals, this McClaren bloke looks to be a perfect fit for the Easton set-up.