Easton Monday 4 - 2 Nailsea Old Boys

[22 Jan : AXA Sunlife]

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Easton returned to the Axa Sportsground on a beautifully sunny January morning. In mid-week it appeared as if the Monday's would be struggling to field a full team with Coach Jones going to the press claiming Easton had more men out than the New York Gay Man's Choir. However, this turned out to be nothing more than a piece of Fergie-like mind games as Easton took to the pitch with a strong starting 11 and 3 eager subs. Colonel was there as well.

Due to the volume of crowds trying to get to the game, this reporter arrived 10 minutes late and missed the opening goal. I am going to have to rely on the validity of the goal scorer himself:

"I got kicked up a height while trying to nutmeg their centre-half on the edge of their 6yd box. As I landed on the nice man I somehow put his teeth through his bottom lip. He wasn't happy about that. I went to fetch the ball from the John Lewis car park. By the time I got back Brian had just about made it over to the corner flag. "I'm gonna curl it in on the keeper.. get in next to the keeper." he said. Being an obedient sort I made for the goal. The centre-half tripped on his own bottom lip and I arrived at the near post just in time for Brian's cross to land on the back of my head. The net rippled. People cheered".

Good to see Charlton in a good mood, buoyed no doubt by Sunderland's second win in a decade.

Easton 1 Nailsea 0

Easton had started well, cleverly using the arrows on their relatively new shirts to point them in the right direction. That's the kind of detail Colonel goes through to help the team. He also puts the 'R' and 'L' on the players boots as some struggle with such complexities on a Sunday morning.

Anyway, despite this good start, the first action I saw was the equalising goal as a scramble in the Easton area led to a lonely Old Boy poking the ball high into the roof of the Mondays net.

Easton 1 Nailsea 1

Even on the scoreline and even on the pitch, it was turning out to be a good battle. Nailsea were a consistently efficient outfit, able to string together a few passes when given the chance and good in the air, getting extra lift from the zimmer frames.

The Mondays weren't having things their own way, with the flying wing combo (available in KFC for a limited period) of Jones and Newby not being able to impose themselves on the game as much as usual. Fele was feeling the effects of the wife's 30th birthday party the previous evening I hope he wasn't as late for the event as he was for a few of his tackles. Rance was picking up a lot of loose balls, but then generously giving it back so he could win it again. Kept him involved I suppose.

The defence was ok, marshalled by an expectant Deano. He was telling all around him just to "push", which made sense in a footballing context, then he was telling them to "breathe", which I suppose made sense in a physical context and then he was telling them that they were "doing really well" and that he was "very proud of them", which is nice in a motivational context. No-Name was recovering from the serious bout of bird flu he'd contracted the previous day by squawking orders and running run in circles.

The approach of the full backs couldn't have been more different, with Tiger Teague always conscious of his defensive responsibilities and very rarely venturing over the half way line, unless there was an ankle to be nibbled. There are films of that kind of thing I understand. Stillman, however, had obviously heard different pre-match instructions and couldn't have told you what the Easton half of the pitch looked like if you held forceps to his little Pete's. George Bush even had to have a word with him for being too gung-ho. Between the sticks, Chris looked calm and assured, possibly helped by Deano holding a damp flannel to his forehead and telling him "not to worry, it would all be over soon".

Up front, Charlton was now so laid back he made Tierry Henry look hyperactive. He was often slowing the tempo to what can only be described as Howarth-Pace (which not even Sky cameras can reproduce effectively yet).

Suddenly, he burst into life and walked onto a long clearance. Spotting Sheridan making what Charlton found out later was a 'run' down the middle, he lazily poked the ball forward. The Old Boys line of 7 defenders all shot their arms into to air as if reinacting the first time they saw an aeroplane, that time the Wright brothers trundled by. Sheridan is Welsh, so those kind of technological developments haven't reached him yet, and he remained focussed on missing the one on one. Well, that is what everyone expected, with the ball boys all setting off in a sprint (I'll explain what that means later Stu) to collect the reckless blaze over. However, much to everyone's surprise, Pete calmly side stepped the onrushing keeper and then, to everyone's amazement, slotted the ball neatly into the empty net.

Easton 2 Nailsea 1

The Monday's superiority was now beginning to show. Rance took to blatant time wasting by hammering a couple of free kicks so high over the bar they would have led to at least one of the Wrights giving up this flying thing as just too damn dangerous. Fele expertly found time on the edge of the area before sending a stinging shot out for a throw in.

He had got the 'L' and the 'R' mixed up again. With the clock running down before half time, Rance sent in another awful corner but the ball worked its way back out to him from the clearance. Deciding to have another pop at goal the effort screwed off the outside of his foot. Going sadly wide, the bag of wind (the ball, not Brian) hit a meandering Charlton who was considering going for a short lie down at the time and ended up bulging the Old Boys net for a third time.

Half time: Easton 3 Nailsea 1

At half time everyone concentrated on discussing stuff they knew about, so no rubbish like football tactics got in the way. Most of the team took on some half time glucose energy. Deano took on some gas and air. Stu took on something else just to relax him for the second half. Fele took on Colonel's 'L' and 'R' advice and swapped his boots.

The second half started roughly 20 minutes before Easton were ready, which was a little unfair in hindsight. I don't know what was in the Old Boys Horlicks but they came out fired up and frantic. They settled nicely in the Easton half. The Monday defending was getting progressively desperate before an Old Boy limped free in the penalty area and shot impressively across Chris-the-keep and into the net.

Easton 3 Nailsea 2

The game was hotting up now, and not just because of the blistering January sun (look, I haven't got much hair ok?) Tough challenges were being made by both teams, some of them fair. The arguing and finger pointing started with the Old Boys accusing the Mondays of being everything from doughnuts to Diouf. Laps even put in a few verbals from the touchline thus making his father very proud. However, shortly after, the main Old Fella protagonist pulled a muscle, which surprisingly wasn't the one connected to his jaw bone. Deano kindly offered him an epidural, but he managed to shuffle off alone.

This led to a major change in the game. The ref, who had kept good control until that point, swapped his allegiance to that of the Old Boys and Colonel took over in the middle. Soon after, a couple of hefty challenges led to a bit of handbags. Colonel bravely stepped in and explained he wasn't a proper referee so they should all just shut up or he would take his ball away. Then he went and hid.

Back to the footie. Mondays had been poor in the second half, becoming more shot-shy than a Mormon at a stag do. However, the introduction of Colonel and the free-flowing kind of football his, umm, generous form of refereeing encouraged, led to the Mondays stepping up the pressure.

Fele was getting his sixth wind (from Deano, naturally) and was dominating the midfield. Newby was getting into the game more, helped by his educational and encouraging words to "use the f**king left more". The Old Boys were getting increasingly rickety in defence and resorted to making more appeals than the Australian cricket team. Even Fele was getting closer with his shooting (not hard).

With 5 minutes left Mondays made the game safe. Tiger won the ball on the half way line. Super-sub Hand sent a pass that cut through the Old Boys back line like a C-Section. The Aging Blokes appealed for LBW. Meanwhile, Sheridan got on with it, turned the defender and laid the ball into Fele's path. Fele mustered up his remaining energy and swung a left foot at it. Now the correct boot was on the correct foot, he made a good connection and sent his shot into the far corner. The team congratulated Fele. Deano took it a stage further by slapping him until he started to cry. Then he wrapped him in swaddling clothes and started ringing friends and family.

Easton 4 Nailsea 2

The match was fizzling out, but there was still time for the highlight. John Howarth had been given a generous 92 seconds to come off the bench and impress. Having been caught offside twice in his first 37 of these seconds, things were not going well. However, he knew he had a trick up his sleeve.

In a display of show-boating Ronaldinho would have been embarrassed to perform, Howarth taunted the opponents by the corner flag before delivering a sweet back flick up the line to the waiting Fele. The 'Ole' from the crowd could be heard as far as John Lewis in Cribbs Causeway (so I am reliably informed) and the game ended with Howarth puffing on a large cigar and having his boots cleaned by one of his many fans. He would have made it onto next week's Soccer AM, but unfortunately Laps used up all the batteries in his camera trying to track the non-existent Concorde.

Finally Colonel crept out of hiding to blow the whistle he'd been reluctant to use during the game. He led the three cheers for the opponents who muttered a few words about poor umpiring and the need for video replays in parks games.

Full time Easton 4 Nailsea 2

Man of the match was given to the Tiger who growled in the tackle and purred in the pass. He even got his picture on the front of Monday's Evening Post, not bad going for a Sunday morning footballer. Deano was given the dad-to-be of the match. All the best to the Mini-Mason. If he or she takes after their dad they'll soon be a bit of tough tackling in the playgrounds of Swindon's infant schools. They'll also be a bit of penalty taking practice for the youngsters of the town, which may do England a lot of good in the long run.