Easton Monday 5 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

[13 Nov : AXA Sunlife]

With the blessing of Intrepid Reporter Gravestock, here is a cobbled together match report made up from various recollections and observations. A big thankyou to all who contributed including Pete Stillman, Chris Newby, Brian Rance, Pete Sheridan, Steve Jones.

Team news meant a few new faces in the starting line-up and tactical position alterations. Owen was serving detention for being too young the previous week. His absence now meant the average age was raised to 38.5 yrs.

Dean, Jeff, Ben and Howarth were still on the injured list. Felix was off looking at babies (his sister's newborn). Nick Hand was still in negotiation with Madrid Old Boys. Tom was unavailable for comment

The other pre match gossip was the arrival of the new kit, albeit a little mix and matched.. Lazio blue shirts, Navy shorts. A couple of shirts were the wrong size which meant Lappin and Newby had to literally roll their sleeves up. Old kit socks had to be used as the supplier had sent 20 pairs of size 14's! But overall the kit got the thumbs up, the only issue now was whether it would be a good or bad luck kit.

The game was to be played on the notorious Pitch 1, otherwise known as the one down the bottom, nearest the river and a bit wet. It was a ten mile hike to the pitch past the golfers and the ten-year-old girls playing five-a-side. Actually, I think the girls were on our pitch but we were too scared to ask.

A minutes' silence for Rememberence Day and the old kit was observed before kick off.

Rance was given the No 6 jersey and some comment about playing like Bobby Moore was made pre kick-off!!!. Clearly it went to his head and transformed him as a player (he became one), he started playing like him and was bossing "No Name" (unheard of) and even gave a World cup winning captains talk at half time.

Rumour was that Sheridan suggested Stu played in midfield to protect his golden boot potential, using a dodgy, phantom hamstring injury to convince coach Jones that he would be better off goal hanging.

The game started evenly. Stilly got skinned a couple of times by their right winger, but Pete would have the last laugh. Their centre forward kicked wide for Nailsea but Jones cleverly hooked his foot infront of him and volleyed the ball towards his own goal.Luckily due to his years of mssing for Easton up fronthe managed only to hit the post and the ball was cleared. Matt moaned. Yarrow looked after Stu in midfield. Stu had more shots than he does in attack. Newby ran a lot but didn't quite manage the final ball. Sheri barged a lot. Purnell admired his new kit which fitted nicely.

Brian shouted a lot.

Despite Sheris' best efforts to keep Stu off the scoresheet Stu broke the deadlock. A great move down the right led to Sheri hitting a low cross to the far post, where the open goal begged Newby to side foot home. The winger searched for last season's form (where he also missed an open goal against Nomads), and amazingly directed the ball back to the keeper and off the post. From the rebound, Charlton showed how to finish with a fine strike from just inside the area -selfishly ignoring the better placed Stillman (on the half-way line, but calling for it) and Yarrow (on the edge of the box, calling for it AND facing the right way). Luckily for Stu, it flew in or we'd have called him names.

Easton Monday 1 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Newby jogged sheepishly back to the half-way line accompanied by Skipper Rance's encouraging words "what the f*ck was that, Newbs?"

Brian shouted a lot.

More pressure from the Sky Blues. Five minutes later, and stirred on by the Skipper's verbal diarrhoea (not to be confused with Yarrow's bottom diarrhoea), Newby attempted to make amends with a surge into the opponents penalty area where he evaded the first challenge but was thwarted by a last ditch slide tackle. The defender shielding his eyes from our bright new shirts forgot to take his hand away before heading the ball (while lying down for some reason) - handball!. Yarrow wiped his hands on his ahem, mud-splattered shorts, waited for the keeper to fall over and trundled the penalty into the other corner.

Easton Monday 2 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Brian shouted a lot.

Half time
Easton Monday 2 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Rance and Noname were arguing like a married couple. Brian didn't like the amount of time Matt's been spending down the pub while Matt wanted Brian to pick the kids up from school and show a bit of appreciation for the lovely meal he'd cooked him. Brian said he couldn't eat that muck and why weren't his shirts ironed properly? Or something. We all had a clementine and it was just like Christmas.

Jones moved up to right mid to add attack and allow Lapps to get shouted at by Matt and Brian.

Brian shouted a lot.

Another terrific counter attack down the right wing by the Monday's saw the ball passed between Charlton, Jonesy, Purnell and on to Sheri, who considered a shot, but heard Newbs' call to his left and smoothly played it straight into the on-rushing winger's path. A side-footed finish with eyes wide shut meant the move got what it deserved. The same move was repeated later, only for the winger to forget to close his eyes and so blazed it over the bar, thus reverting to type.

Easton Monday 3 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Brian shouted a lot.

Martin came on for Jones crossed the ball heading straight for Newbs at the back-post. Seeing the total panic in the winger's eyes, the sympathetic full-back assumed responsibility and showed how to finish an open goal.

Easton Monday 4 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Brian shouted a lot.

Marcus came on for Lappin and snapped at the heels of wingers. A neutral observer counted 20 tackles in 5 minutes!

Brian shouted a lot.

With Brian and Matt arguing over who gets custody of the full-backs there came a moment that changed the game: Stilly's goal. There are two ways of viewing this goal - I'll let the readers decide which they prefer:

1) Getting tired of Yarrow and Newby messing around, Stillman pushed them both off the ball and set off on a mazy run, rounding three or four defenders before hammering a shot into the top corner from all of thirty yards.

2) Miscontrolling a Nailsea clearance, Stillman headed for goal with all the poise of a blindfolded drunk attempting a bobsleigh run on a tea tray. Several misguided attempts at passing to Colonel while defenders fell over in front of him saw him reach the edge of the box where he summoned up his last ounce of strength to shoot as only a right-footed left-back can. The keeper was laughing too much to catch the ball properly and threw it into his own net. His tactics of allowing all their players to tire themselves out by running rings around him early on had paid off handsomely.

Easton Monday 5 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Matt No-Name smashed into their striker from behind with 2 minutes left of the match and us 5-0 up, a man to have on your side.

Full time Easton Monday 5 - 0 Nailsea Nomads

Brain got M.O.M. for shouting a lot prompting Matty to say that he was quite proud of him deep down and could they try again. They head off to Relate with our best wishes.