Easton Monday 8 - 0 Greyfriars

[30 Oct : Cadbury Frys, Keynsham]

Reports Intrepid Reporter Gravestock (who wasn't there) and some young boys.

The Mondays team was much as it has been lately, with an established youthful squad. Keen to dominate the league for years to come, they continued their strange twist on the Nigerian approach of putting 28 year old professionals in under 17's competitions (allegedly) by fielding a number of teenagers in the veteran's league. Nothing but success will satisfy Colonel, or Fluffy as he is known at Redlands Comprehensive.

The pre-match team talk consisted of school bully Brian challenging everyone to a game of conkers. Having missed the target several times, Rancid (as he is known at Redlands Comprehensive) decided that it was a game for cissies and flounced on to the pitch.

Head Boy Jones was wondering why Lappin was late, especially as he had stand-in keeper Knee-high Knox with him. It turned out that he had turned the clocks back two hours, and had left little keeper stranded at Saisbury's!

Fluffy was also busy making excuses for the lack of new kit. Apparently his mum had ordered mens sizes not realising her son managed a boys team.

Greyfriars were friars by name and grey by nature. They took to the pitch discussing the sad loss of Richard Whitely on Countdown, the additional cost of fuel for their Honda Civics and that British Summertime just wasn't what it used to be in their day. Now they were being forced to play a gang of whipper-snappers who probably had no respect that they fought in the war and that Cadburys was still Cadburys (rather than Schuftbeerdigens) as it not doubt would have been had it not been for their heroic efforts.

Easton quickly settled into their stride and created early chances. Newby (or Ginga Pubes as he's known at Redland Comprehensive) was in precocious mood, running (or rather hobbling) the Greyfriars defence ragged. Nothing that a bit of National Service wouldn't put right. This led to the first goal. As Rancid Rance recalls ' Sublime in swinging corner from the right hand side. Curled to perfection by the trusty left boot of Rance. 'Blazer' did of course claim a deflection via his arse hair, Rance however was credited with the goal as its probably the only one he'll get this year as Yarrow seems to think he can take free-kicks now!"

Young Boys of Easton 1 Greyfellas 0

It was like the summer holidays had been extended to Autumn, with free Wagon Wheels all round (although, as the opposition were keen to point out, they are not as big as they used to be). The only homework on the snog behind the bikeshed horizon were the dubious decisions of Tell Tale Tom Adams (as he's known at Redlands Comprehensive) on the line. Fortunately, Matt (as he's known at Redlands Comprehensive) rightly reprimanded him for not keeping up with play. After stealing his pocket money of course.

Soon, the second extra pear drop fell from the football jar as Sheridan recalls "a quick pass in from Yarrow (I think), I turned, the defender who seems to have disappeared somewhere? Probably complaining to Tom about something. I looked up when 37.53 yards out and sees the keeper taking a "walk" off his sacred line. In the blink of an eye I do a mini David Beckham and chips the keeper from a mile out..

...Or as brian recalls it "Blazer, spotting the keeper off his line decided to pass the ball square to the advancing Colonel. By some twist of fate, the ball sliced from the outside of the right boot and sailed over the keeper into the net. The crowd applauded the apparent flash of genius, his team mates however weren't to be fooled!...Can't remember the rest, I was to busy listening to Matt moaning about..... Well everything actually."

Young Boys 2 Greyfellas 0

At this point the Greyfellas heads started to droop, not out of disappointment but out of a sudden game of crown green bowls they began in the centre circle. The kiddies played while the grown ups popped out and Easton notched the 3rd after Colonel went on a weaving run to such an extent he beat himself and the defender about 5 times, they both ended up on the floor on the edge of the box. Sheri plodded on to the loose ball and planted it firmly in the bottom right hand corner.

The 4th came from a superb team passing build up ended with the Ginga-pubes Newby flying down the left wing beating about 5 old gits. As Sheri couldn't keep up with the young one he was languishing on the edge of the box. The young lad with great vision and touch picked him out and Sheri headed/shouldered the ball into the corner of the net again. Goal 4-0.

With a 1st hat-trick completed Blazers team mates were stunned and were asking is this the real Sheri, (Blazer). 3 touches, 3 goals!!

All looked good and the Easton Embryos enjoyed their half time chat. No football talk interfered with Paul Crappin Lappin's story of his particular amusement with the fairground girl on the Waltzer. Head Boy Jones put a stop to his irrelevancies and dragged them back to the pitch. Greyfellas were doing the same, but more literally.

The domination of the Mini Mondays continued and soon goals 5 & 6 were loaded onto the PlayStation of life. Felix got the 5th, having reached the third level for the first time, or as he recalls "Deft touch inside from Sheridan on the edge of the area leaving Francis with everything to do. Pulled the ball down with the right, transfer to the left. Using more than a hint of shin, placed it bottom right"

Then Colonel calmly slotted the next having found a great cheat in his Game Geek magazine or as Colonel remembers it "Baby-face Newby (aged 9 and three quarters) forged down the left. Hearing me screaming "near post! near post!" he decided to go it alone. He shot for goal, luckily for me the ball rebounded off a defender onto my kneeshinankle and into the back of the net.

Embryos 6 Elderlyos 0

Still the only rain to fall on the Easton sandcastle was the inept performance of Tell Tale. Amazingly given the responsibility of referee, Tell Tale continued to make more mistakes than Cockney Deano in his year 11 SATs. Adams was sent immediately to the headmasters office for a good beating with the cane. Surprisingly, Crappin Lappin voluntarily chose to accompany him.

By now the Greyfriars had had to put their head down for their mid morning nap and the jumped up Easton boys took full advantage by adding goals 7 when Sheridan single-handedly took on the entire Grey back four. He shot for goal only to see his effort rebound between several defenders and keeper, who all managed to fall over in a Keystone Cops style as if Colonel had bribed them by swapping some Top Trumps in the Playground before kick off. The ball landed at his feet on the line and a very big puddle. Despite his best efforts to steer the ball wide his left foot got in the way and fumbled the ball over the line.

At 7-0 and the opposition totally pissed off and the game stretched Newby picked up the ball in defence and passed it up field. With a chase from the half way line Sheri nipped in front of his marker, ran 10 yards, couldn't be arsed to run any further so chipped/curled it over the keeper again from 35.67 yards. Goal 8-0

Full Time: Easton Monday 8 Greyfriars 0

The school bell rang and the jolly juveniles celebrated by sowing "We Beat a Bunch of Old Blokes" badges onto their Cub Scout tops. All except Crappin Lappin that is, who celebrated by playing with his woggle. The moany matures stood waving their walking sticks and empty Equitable Life pension books. They returned to the home for cribbage and biscuits and recollections of happier days fighting the Hun and suffering TB. Ahh, memories.

The only other contribution of note was that of Tell- Tale Tommy Adams who would like to add... I just like to add that my recollection of the entire match was being shouted at. First as linesman Matty shouted at me to keep up with the line, then one of their players shouted at me for not giving them a corner, after the first half I gave my line running duties to Paul hoping for a quiet second half, but then one of the opposition supporters started shouting at me for applauding Easton Monday's 4th or 5th goal! "HOW CAN YOU APPLAUD THAT? THEY'RE PISSING ALL OVER US, THIS IS A VETERANS LEAGUE AND YOU'VE GOT 20 YEAR OLDS PLAYING FOR YOU...BLAH....BLAH BLAH!" A few minutes of arguing ensued and then there was a shout from Colonel or Jonesy for me to be ref. So, fired up by my recent argument I thought I'd do some shouting for a change and shouted back at Colonel or Jonesy to "F**K OFF!" A minute later I was in charge of the game and it was only then that the shouting at me seemed to stop, but no I was wrong! When players were shouting COME ON REF! and FREEKICK REF! It was, it transpires, me they were shouting at, having never been a ref before it just took me a moment or two to realise that I was the ref they were referring to! After an idiotic spell as ref I was back to linesman and things improved slightly in the fact that although there was more shouting, it wasn't directedat me, but it was about me. As I picked up the linesman flag an opposition playershouted to one of his mates "HE'S NOT RUNNING OUR LINE IS HE?"