Easton Monday 8 - 0 Hill Farm Casuals

[16 Oct : Cadbury Frys, Keynsham]

Easton arrived at the Cadburys sport ground with a squad packed full of, well, players. Having experienced a number of injuries in their previous couple of games, Colonel Purnell summoned a whole battalion to the match. I couldnt count them all, but approximately 24 players turned up all keen to don the new Mondays kit. And don it they did, with Colonel cleverly choosing a kit that looks identical to last seasons so that mums who have purchased replicas for their off-spring wont have to buy a new version. Underneath that tough, worrying hairy exterior there lies a heart of gold. Worrying hairy gold, but thats just a detail.

So the 33 Easton players trooped down to the pitch to be greeted by roughly zero players from the opposition. Maybe Hill Farm Casuals had already heard about the 3rd eternal truth. Alternatively, and more likely, they got stuck behind a Tesco lorry. Whatever, while Easton were involved in their pre-match kickabout, the only people doing the same at the other end were a bunch of 8 year olds. Oweno recognised one of them from his form group and looked a bit scarred as he had threatened to tell teacher Oweno was playing football with the grown-ups from the shop that sells the magic falling down water. However, it turned out that the youngsters were just using the Easton pitch for a kickabout as they didnt want to spoil their main stadium surface. That was where all the crowds were heading as well, 2,487 people to watch a bunch of 8 year olds and 45 to watch the great Mondays. And they were all Easton substitutes.

This lack of interest in the Premier League has led the 3 ugly Yanks to yank their easily earned dollars from the hands of the Easton treasurer. With attendances down and admission prices up, who can blame them. Plus the kit bill came to 2.78, a lot more than expected, so the team name has gone retro and returned to plain old Easton Monday.

As far as the team went, Easton drafted in a new goalkeeper, an imposing fella known to his friends as Sir. I dont know what his enemies call him because it was hard to make it out, what with all that blood and the lack of teeth and all. Anyway, in the kickabout, this reporter (whos been known to hang around the 6 yard area a bit himself) was surprised to see Sir doing strange things like properly warming up and stretching muscles. Obviously hes not read the Sunday morning goalies bible that stipulates the only warm up should be trying to save penalties from Pete Stillman with the main muscle stretching generally being left to collecting Captain Rances shots from the bushes behind the goal. Hell learn (but Im not going to tell him).

Talking of Captain Rance, he took over the troublesome left back position. With Fele making himself indispensable in midfield and Oweno finding time between his conker contests to fill the centre back role it was the only way the Skip could stay involved. Its a sad and sorry decline.

Oh yeah, the game. Easton mucked about for the first 5 minutes, every player getting a good touch of the ball. (Apart from Brian, who it managed to avoid). The only highlights early doors were a couple of fine decisions from the new handkerchiefless linesman. There were no real chances and there was no real structure so Brian decided to take matters into his own hands. Leaping recklessly for a ball that clearly wasnt his, Rance headbutted one of the opposition. He came out worse though, with blood literally trickling out of what can only be referred to as a slight cut. Lion heart Rance soldiered on for nearly 1.5 seconds before deciding to call it a day and was carried off to have his wound tended to by dapping Deep Heat on it (the only item in the First Aid kit). He was replaced by another debutant, Martin, who managed to get more touches of the ball in his first minute than Rance had had in the previous 10. This was probably because Easton players were passing to him. The clues are there Brian.

15 minutes gone and things werent progressing as smoothly as normal with passes going astray and goal kicks going over the half way line. Even Blazer hadnt missed a chance. It took a defensive mix up when the Casuals left back tripped up on a stray Nokia charger wire to let in Coach Jones for the deadlock to be broken. Jones cross from the right was predictably too close to the keeper but somehow it crept through to Sheridan who was goal hanging at the far post. Surprisingly Blazer managed to keep the thing below the bar and Easton were on their way. Everyone got involved to congratulate the big Welshman. (Except for Brian).

Easton Monday 1 Hill Farm Casuals 0

Soon after came a passage of football that will go down in the annals of Mondays history as really pretty good. A move starting on the right was switched through the entire defence to the left. All 34 substitutes then got involved (apart from Brain) before the ball made its way down the wing to Newby. He crossed sweetly to the far post where the waiting Pieman nodded calmly into the onion bag. Colonel confirmed it was great soccer and then proceeded to sing the Star Spangled Banner. Hes having trouble letting the whole sponsorship deal go.

Easton Monday 2 Hill Farm Casuals 0

Before the half, there was a bit of magnificent arm waving from the flagless linesman and one further reasonably good goal. Newby has started this season Beaniless and there has been a fear that, like Samson, his powers have diminished. Keen to banish this theory, the Beaniless One collected the ball in the Farm area of the Casuals half. Trying his best to replicate John Barnes (the Match version rather than the goal against Brazil version), Newby beat player after player (except Brian). It was stunning, if a bit hatless, as he finished the move he created himself with a classic strike high over the diving keeper.

Half Time Easton Monday 3 Hill Farm Casuals 0

With the orange segments shared between the 53 eager Eastoners, the 11 chosen ones returned for the second half. Hill Farm had received the typical play with pride team talk and they looked keen to get back into the game. Their big forward Gazza, (yes hes stooped this low) hit a thumping drive from 20 yards. The shot was too hot for Sir to save, but he definitely snarled at it as it went by him. The ball took the sensible option of deviating its course onto the crossbar and was cleared to safety.

Almost immediately, Easton took advantage of this good fortune by nabbing 2 quick goals. Firstly the Hatless One pulled one back from the touchline for Fele to score his first goal in Easton blue. Naturally, he fell over when shooting as he had spent most of the game closely examining the playing surface for some reason. Then, almost from the re-start, Easton attacked down the right and the ball finally fell nicely for the flowing curls of Newby to condition in.

Easton Monday 5 Hill Farm Casuals 0

All over as a contest, Easton began to ease down the pressure. A sure sign of this being the re-emergence of Captain Rance, bought back in desperation after both Deano and Oweno had gone off with embarrassment at being so young. When a cry of get in there you cissy echoed across the ground I thought the ball must have come close to Rances area of the pitch, but instead it was the sympathetic shout of a proud mother gently encouraging her 8 year old in the big game being played in the main arena.

Despite Brians reappearance, Easton continued to dominate. Newby completed his hat-trick, Jones buried one in the top corner, Blazer missed from a yard with a diving header and Pieman notched from a yard with a diving header. Although that one looked suspiciously like an og.

I wouldnt like to suggest it was all one way traffic though as there were chances at the other end. The Simon Cowell-like Hill Farm midfielder (with his shorts tucked under his armpits) burst through the middle and x factored an effort. The shot was out of Sirs reach, but he definitely growled at it as it went by him. The ball took the sensible option of deviating its course onto the post and was subsequently voted off by the viewing public. And Gazza, who hasnt scored for a couple of seasons (he can thank his mate with the dodgy shoulder for telling me that by the way) again hit a pile-driver goalwards. This time Sir chose to punch dramatically away. Sir was up and ready again in seconds (must have been all that stretching) but unfortunately the ball was so disfigured by the impact it will never be involved in an open goal miss by Sheridan or thrashed wildly over the bar by a Brian shot ever again.

Full Time Easton Monday 8 Hill Farm Casuals 0

All that was left was for the 83 Easton players to crowd round the Colonel for the man of the match award. He started by saying that everyone deserved it (except Brian) and appeared for a while to be leaning towards the confident and competent performance of the referees assistant. And who could blame him. However, in the end he went for the confusing option of Chris Newby whose only contribution to the game had been to score 3 and set up 3 others. Makes the whole award thing a travesty.

by Jeff 'Hamstrung' Gravestock