Easton Monday 5 - 1 Russell Athletic

[18 Sep : Cadbury's]

It has been a summer of great activity as Easton prepare for a season in the top flight. Jez Norton has been palmed off to those mugs from the Nou Camp, with Frank Rikjard finally completing his search for a Catalonian version of Roberto Carlos. Apparently hes unusually short as well, and speaks a bit of Welsh. There was a rumour that Ronaldinho would fulfil a lifelong dream and head in the opposite direction to grace the likes of the Axa Sun Life Playing Field and dodge the broken glass at Stoke Lodge. However, the Easton management surprised the football world by deciding instead to move for the next big thing in world soccer, Felix Francis. Having played at the top level of the football mecca that is commonly known as Kent, Francis arrived with three crucial attributes: a hair style that didnt resemble a wet poodle, enough bandages of his own to cater for all of the many Easton Monday wounds and, most important of all, the ability the pay the increased match fee.

This increase in fees is symptomatic of the new commercially astute approach of the Mondays management. Aware of the marketing opportunities, Easton has been purchased by three ugly Americans and, in a break from tradition, has been renamed Easton Monday is 2 for 1 Night at The Havana Bistro. Promised new kits to go along with the new name, the players were disappointed to find the Far Eastern sweat shop employed to complete the job had run out of letters. The latest rumour is that three of the youngest under age workers were arranging a daring raid on the Countdown studios in a desperate attempt to obtain enough vowels and consonants to finish the printing within the 0.37 budget provided.

And so to the game. Easton fielded a strong squad, made all the stronger through the absence of Rance, Hand and Lappin. The former was proving that Rome could at least be destroyed in a day, the middler was preparing an important letter to his MP about pensioners not being able to pay their Council Tax, and the latter was busy entertaining the Wisconsin Cheerleading Team and creating an earthquake. He certainly showed them a little leg before wicket.

In this era of tactics and systems, Easton tipped off playing an adventurous full court press formation. No one really knew what this was, but if its good enough for Coach Sven its good enough for Coach Jones. However it took a while to bed in and Athletic pushed Easton back in the early minutes, forcing three corners. On the third of these, keeper Gravestock was presented with a straight forward catch. Always keen to surprise those who think he may turn out to be quite good one day, the ball bounced out of his tiny hands and a mad melee followed. The ball was cleared in the end, but Gravestock tried to cover his error by clutching his knee and claiming permanent damage. Carried sadly off the pitch, the keeper made such a fuss he might have to miss a few months to make it believable. At least hell be able to drive his little blue disabled car right up to the side of the pitch and park closer to the entrance of the Cirencester Tesco.

Colonel Purnell stepped up to the plate, squeezing a thumb and finger into the catchers minature mitts. Meanwhile the rest of the deefence were given time off as the offence took to the court. Felix, aka Fele, was proving that true samba football was invented on the beaches of Margate. Jones was having more success on the right wing than George Bush and Newby was training hard for his half marathon by running up and down the pitch a lot. Soon hell learn to take the ball with him. Things were looking good but, as Easton found out when they lost in the world final to the Russell Athletic Raccoons in the 04 Mottram Bowl, points needed to be put on the board. At the top of the second, the first score was posted.

This reporters view of the goal was somewhat obscured by a disabled sticker, but I am reliably informed Jones was involved and the finish was provided by the trusty crust of the Pieman.

Easton Monday is 2 for 1 at The Havana Bistro 1 Russell Athletic 0

By becoming the first scorer of the season Pieman also earned himself an extra helping of fries at the Havana, Bristols premier food outlet. Dont forget, Its a Treat to Eat.there. (The marketing boys are still working on the slogan)

Starting the game again after the ad break, the Mondays continued their total control. Deano and Oweno were impressive tight ends, but that can be cleared up with a little medication. No-name was enjoying himself in his 17th comeback bout, beating George Foremans record. Stillman was turning the clock back as well, about 2 hours to when he was asleep. Diving at the feet of an opponent for a quick snooze, he suffered a knock that he thought was going to end his game. He trooped off to the bench to drink some Gatorade. He was replaced by pitch reliever, Johnny The Hawk Howarth.

Things were still going ok on the field of play though and soon running back Steve Yarrow broke the defensive line and bundled forward towards the end zone. Running out of steam at the 20 yard line, Yarrow swung a lazy boot at the ball. It ran towards the net with everyone expecting the keeper to intercept it, but it wasnt to be and the effort ended in the corner of the webbed thing.

Easton Monday is 2 for 1 at the Havana Bistro 2 Russell Athletic 0

It was no less than the Monday Marauders deserved and they continued to pile forward. Fele sent a defence splitting hail-Mary to wide receiver Newby who spiked the missile where it mattered. His celebrations were curtailed when he saw a flag had been thrown on the play and he was deemed offside. He actually couldnt have been more onside if the opposition had been lined up on the goal line, the ball had been passed backwards, and hed been in his own half carrying a banner saying Newby is Onside. But the refs decision is final. Wrong, but final. It looked as if it might have a major impact on the game as less than a minute later the Athletics benefited from a number of lucky ricochets to put one past the unlucky Purnell between the sticks.

Easton Monday is 2 for 1 at the Havana Bistro 2 Russell Athletic 1

Suddenly the future started to look less New York and more Newhaven for the Mondays. Pinned back by the recharged Russell, the Mondays were forced into some desperate defence. Oweno made a mockery of his 42 years to run around as if he was in his early 20s. Deano was revelling in his battle with the big centre forward, finally having found himself an identikit Deano to play against. But from yet another Russell corner, identi-Deano found himself free six yards from goal and headed powerfully towards the net. Purnell was waving his arms about, still trying to fit the mittens Gravestock had provided him with onto his man-size hands. The ball hit one of the flying arms and the defence managed to clear. It was this that was to prove the turning point.

Soon after, No-Name put down his plans for a fat free grill and connected with a solid line drive. Jones bounce-balled across the court to find the waiting Sheridan all alone at the mound. Having already missed 2 gilt edged opportunities with the bases loaded no-one took the finish for granted, particularly Pete. In almost painful slow-mo, Blazer diverted the effort into the net and celebrated as if hed won an Emmy. With tears in his eyes and thanking all those who had helped him get this far, Sheridan surprisingly found himself as joint top scorer (although his overall wickets per runs conceded is worse than Jason Gillespie if you know what I mean).

Half Time Easton Monday is 2 for 1 at the Havana Bistro 3 Russell Athletic 1

During half time, with a re-run of Friends Series 46 showing, the Mondays regrouped and refocused. They knew the next 45 minutes was going to be like watching Lethal Weapon 4 - very tough, but if they got through it theyd feel a great deal of satisfaction.

To be fair the Monday Magic were running rings round the Athletic Arthritics. Blazer managed to miss more chances than Al Gore in a Florida election. No-Name was getting close to giving him a knockout punch when Blazer turned with the speed and dexterity of a Humvee. Letting loose his most powerful shot, the ball bobbled apologetically towards the net minder. Having been told to take a fall by Don King the keeper dived over the bag of wind and Sheridan suddenly had 2 goals in one game. Surely no-one had gambled on that.

Easton Monday is 2 for 1 at the Havana Bistro 4 Russell Athletic 1

It was all over as a contest. However interest still lay in how many times Fele was felled by the grass rubbing on his ankles. And, for comedy value, Stillman returned to the fray to replace the hobbling Howarth. Told by the ever helpful Purnell to make a nuisance of himself, Stillman proceeded to pull the leg hair of the centre back, give the right back a Chinese burn and stick a whoopee cushion under identi-Deano. In the meantime, Sheridan found himself one on one with Don Kings patsee. The highly paid keeper failed to move an inch as Blazer trusted himself to score into an empty net from a yard. It later transpired Stillman had tied the goalies boot lace to the post.

Easton Monday is 2 for 1 at the Havana Bistro 5 Russell Athletic 1

The remaining 5 minutes fizzled out like the 6th parade of the day at Disneyworld. Having used up all their time outs, Easton let the clock run down and secured their first road trip victory of the regular season.

The MVP remains unknown. Personally Id go for Fele as he shone on his debut despite receiving more ankle taps than Jason Robinson. Alternatively, Deano and Oweno performed fantastico and Stilly deserves much praise for acting like Todd Carty in his Grange Hill days. Anyone really apart from Steve Yarrow who, lets face it, didnt play very well or deserve his goal. Ok, so he knows a goalie who is good and can easily replace the brave and determined efforts of the previous incumbent, but thats got nothing to do it. Honest.