Easton Monday 3 - 0 Bathelona

[24 Apr : Bath University]

Wise words, so its fair to say they didnt form any part of Skipper Rance’s pre-match team talk. Instead it was one of the motivational messages on the walls of Bath University’s Sports Training Village where the semi-final of the Harry Mottram Cup was played. Its a decent set-up, not quite matching the superb facilities of the Axbridge Saxons car park of course, but it was good to see the finely honed specimens of the Easton Monday squad mixing it with some of the best young athletes in the country. It was hard to tell who was who (apart from the fact the Easton boys had no idea where they were going and at least one muscle was tweaked just trying to get through the turnstiles).

Easton got changed and found a pitch without much problem, but no opposition. Being the intrepid, proactive, resourceful bunch they are, they decided the best approach was just to stand there for a while. This approach was vindicated when a few fellas sporting the red and blue stripes of Barcelona came trotting out. The colour clash caused concern for the massed ranks of TV cameras (or maybe just Lappins little digital number) and so Bathelona professionally turned their tops inside out to sport scratchy white instead.

The pitch itself was a little disappointing actually. Green and flat was a good start. However, it was a pretty bobbly and the plastic man hole (ok, mole-hole) just to the left of the goal was an interesting addition Ive not seen before, and perhaps wouldnt be bothered if I see it again.

Easton had bought along a massive squad, rivalling Joses choices down at the Bridge. 16 players put maximum strain on the kit, and the team was determined by who got hold of the shorts first. As a result, Gravestock was controversially bought back in between the man-holes, Purnell decided to see how back flicks would work as a right back, Deano and No-Surname formed the hardest centre back pairing since the Krays played for the Scrubs, and Hand introduced his cultured left foot to the left back position. They seemed to get on.

The traditional midfield quartet of Newby, Rance, Yarrow and Jones were reunited meaning that, up front, Charlton and Sheirdan formed a competitive partnership. Having spent the previous week squabbling over who has scored more goals per minutes, more assists per match, more headers per half and more mentions in the match reports (Blazers winning that comfortably due to his inability to keep the ball below that white thing known as the bar), it was going to be interesting to see if they actually passed to each other during the game. If they didnt, the eager subs of Adams, Lappin, Norton, Stillman and Teague were ready to take their place, and score the 18 goals necessary to pip both the squabbling children to the seasons top scorer award.

So, to the match, and what a start it was. The Mondays started sensationally, scoring the quickest goal ever in Harry Mottram Cup History. Bathelona kicked off, but the ball soon rang loose in midfield. Jones saw it as an opportunity to demonstrate his subtle touch early doors, and hoofed it up field. Charlton spotted a chance and moved though the gears like Fernando Alonso. Given a firm shoulder charge by the Bathelona centre back just as he was about to shoot, Charlton fell over dismally. But as he slumped to the ground his dodgy right foot nudged the ball towards the goal and it surprisingly nestled in the corner of the net. The official time recorded was 12.7 seconds*. Everyone celebrated, apart from Sheridan who was busy remonstrating with the ref that it should have been a penalty that, oh, he would volunteer to take. The ref rejected this pathetic appeal and allowed Bathelona to kick off for the second time in the first minute.

Bathelona 0 - 1 Easton Monday

The strong Mondays start put the home team on the back foot for the first 10 minutes. The shock and awe approach piled pressure on the Bathelona defence, and half chances came and went. Then, after 15 minutes, it looked as though Easton had created a bit of wiggle room. A strong header by Yarrow and quick pass by one of the forwards (I cant remember who it was, and wouldnt want to guess for fear of the assist implications) ended up with Jones steaming in from the right one on one with the keeper. Again favouring the subtle approach, Jones shut his eyes and blasted the ball goalwards. The Bathelona keeper managed to get a part of his bulky frame to the ball and it spun up and was going wide. Newby, his flowing locks waving unfettered in the morning wind for a change, nodded the ball back from the touchline for Sheridan to touch home. Running back to the centre circle, Blazer worked out his tap in to blaze over ratio was now as good as 1 in 37, and prepared to watch Bathelona kick off for the third time.

Bathelona 0 - … Easton Monday

But no! Over on the touch line, a linesman looking and sounding mysteriously like Stu Charlton was waving a hankie and talking about offside against that tall Welsh bloke in the middle. Despite the ball going backwards. Anyway, the ref agreed and instead of another kick off, a free kick was given. It was to prove a bit of a turning point in the half.

Knowing they’d had a massive let off, Bathelona started to get into the game. They had a number of good players, particularly in midfield, and were beginning to get on top of the aging Easton lads. The defence were holding firm but, behind them, keeper Gravestock was not instilling confidence. Having been dropped last week, the pyjama wearing baldie was continuing this theme by dropping everything that went near him. At least it allowed Skipper Rance to get into the game a bit as he mopped up a few of the goalies errors to make his presence on the pitch worthwhile.

Before half time, Bathelona had scuffed a one on one wide and had a firm 20 yard left foot shot tipped over by a man-hole. Up the other end, Easton were falling into the trap of reading too many match reports slagging off their inept shooting and so were trying to do an Arsenal and walk it into the net. In addition though, it was like watching Henry refusing to pass to Bergkamp, having worked out his goals per flight ratio was no-where near as good as the scaredy-cat Dutchman.

Half time: Bathelona 0 - 1 Easton Monday

Despite being in front, it hadnt been a great Monday half. Looking to their skipper for some inspiration, possibly calling on the quotes from the Sports Village, Easton weren’t disappointed: “Just f**king play better.” Brian Rance - Im sure youll agree, the finest sports psychologist in the land.

It didnt look as if they’d listened to their mentor as Easton were pushed back at the start of the second half. Newby and Jones werent getting into the game as much as normal, but at the back No-Surname was on top his anonymous game. Firm as always in the challenge, Mad Matt was winning his fair share of headers before distributing the ball well. He even congratulated keeper Gravestock once, which confused and slightly worried the hapless goalie. It was to prey on his mind.

It wasnt all one way traffic though, and from one attack Easton added to their lead. Winning a free kick just inside the Bathelona half, Sir Clive Rance launched a curling effort toward the goal. Trying to get out of the way, the ball bounced off the side of Blazers head, hit the bar and dropped over the line. Charlton looked eagerly to his paid employee of a linesman, only to see Sheridan chucking him a tenner on his journey back to halfway.

Bathelona 0 - 2 Easton Monday

This gave Easton a bit of comfort, but the lads from Bath were still in with a shout. This became clear when Leftie Left Foot let fly from fully 38 yards. There are a couple of ways of looking at the save that followed:

1] The ball was travelling at 82mph, and had been booked for speeding by those new cameras on the M4. In addition, it was swerving more than Roberto Carlos on a roller-coaster. Keeper Gravestock sprung to his left but, as the ball moved almost 45% in the last 5 yards, he did fantastically well to stick out a right hand and divert the effort out for a corner.

Or…

2] The ball was struck well, but from so far out that it bore little danger on the Easton net. Keeper Gravestock flopped heavily to his left, way too early as he realised having been down there for a minute or two. Letting his mind wonder, he began to think that catching the ball might get a further congratulatory comment from the No-Surnamed-One, a first in one match. Lifting his right hand to scratch his chin pensively, the ball hit his wrist and ballooned up into the air. Everyone, including the hoards of young Bathelona fans (it was Kids-for-a-Quid day) thought it would end up in the net. However, out of nowhere, a gust of wind blew the ball wide and Gravestock got up sheepishly, pretending that everything had been under control at all times. He fooled no-one, including Mad Matt, who decked him.

This stroke of luck was a sign to Easton it was going to be their day. Soon it was confirmed in emphatic style. Sheridan collected the ball on half way, and sprayed a fantastic pass to Adams (who had replaced Jones) on the right. Adams took the ball forward a few paces and then looked up (yes looked up) to see who to cross it to. This radical move was rewarded when his curving delivery was met firmly by the fore-head of Charlton who sent the ball thundering into the top corner. It was truly a great goal. The games on the other pitches stopped to applaud. The opposition fans looked at each other and nodded their heads knowingly. The 2 year old kid whod been shouting come on you whites incessantly for 20 minutes stopped and asked his dad if that was what he meant by proper football. Walter Smith, who happened to be passing on one of the City Sightseeing buses that goes up to the University, was heard enquiring as to whether all three players involved in the move had any Scottish ancestry. Perhaps the biggest compliment though was that Sheridan actually congratulated Charlton. Nuff said.

Bathelona 0 - 3 Easton Monday

To all intents and purposes, the game was now over. There were still some events of note of course: Nick Hand cleared off the line, having decided that with Gravestock in the form he was in it was best that he stood there permanently. Chris Newby developed a worrying and sudden attack of Turrets syndrome, strangely coinciding with every time he got in a crossing position. Dean Mason started booting the ball towards his own net, just to make things more interesting. Jeff Gravestock got all petulant when a couple of decisions went against him and he spent the rest of the game picking the toys out of the back of the net and putting them back in the pram. Paul Lappin didnt pull. Tom Adams decided heading the ball out at every opportunity was a good time waster. Marcus Teague went on a complete lap of the pitch (an early lap of honour?) before coming on as a late sub and putting in one superb crunching challenge. Steve Yarrow passed the ball. Blazer Sheridan got himself substituted 6 minutes from time, and was last seen with a scientific calculator working out what impact this had on his goals per minutes played ratio. And Jex Norton flung himself at a diving header in the final minute but saw his effort blocked on the line. Probably by Stu Charlton actually, worried that the wee man could launch a late bid for the Shiny Boot. Walter Smith was interested though, particularly as the little fella lives in Wales and ultimately missed the chance he can fit in straight away with the Scottish squad.

Full time: Bathelona 0 - 3 Easton Monday

So, for the second consecutive season, Easton have won their league and reached the cup final. We all know what happened last year in the final though, so Easton will be taking each chicken as it comes, and not counting their games. I dont know who won the Man of the Match award because (although the crucial piece of paper was passed to me) I dropped it. If it were my choice, which I know it isnt, Id probably plump for Mad Matt an awesome display throughout. Either him, or the ref who I understand reads these reports. He was equally awesome (although it was never a corner).

*This fact is based on no genuine evidence at all, and is subject to 17.2% exaggeration APR. Terms and conditions apply.

**A blatant lie. How was I going to know? Id slipped down the man hole in the kick about and was still heaving myself up at the time.