Easton Monday 7 - 1 Easton Cowboys

[17 Apr : Away BAC Filton]

A sunny Spring morning welcomed both teams to this local derby, Championship clinching, two-year-unbeaten-run-continuing encounter. I say ‘local derby’ due to the fact that both teams having Easton in their name. Easton Cowboys are from Easton whereas Easton Monday haven’t been near the neighbourhood since Pete Stillman got his bike tyres slashed by 12 year old kids with nothing better to do than terrorise 30 year old blokes playing 5-a-side.

Back to the match in question, both teams turned up wearing blue but as it was Monday’s homer the cowboys were left to stylishly turn their shirts inside-out to reveal a fetching shade of grey/white.

The pitch was hard and lumpy. It would later prove to have a more unpredictable bounce than Jordan after a breast op. The pre-match team talk from injured player-coach Jones was to urge caution against the dodgy pitch and the odd ‘ringer’ in the Cowboy line-up they may have drafted in from one of their several Saturday league teams.

In the absence of regular Numero Uno Shot Stopper Gravestock, who was off resting having actually made a save the previous week, Odd-Job Purnell was handed the responsibility of keeping goal and The Monday’s 6th consecutive league clean sheet.

Otherwise the line-up saw the return of Part-time Skipper rance from international duty and Geordie Yarrow from a miserable week watching his beloved Newcastle. This meant the return of Blazer Sheridan to partner Charlton up front and Matt No-Surname to put his feet up in defence. The other welcome sight was the return of Old-Boy Nick Hand from injury to add a bit of 1950s style class to the defence and pass on words of encouragement to team-mates and wind-up opposition forwards.

From the kick-off the Cowboys took early advantage of the unpredictable pitch when a ‘bouncing bomb’ of a pass split the defence allowing their ‘ringer’ centre forward to strike the ball past Purnell who was still busy placing his hair products in the corner of the net.

EASTON MONDAY 0 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

Five minutes in and it was the first time all season that The Monday had been behind in a match. Was today the day that their two year unbeaten run was coming to an end? Was Gravestock laughing into his poolside Pink Gin uttering “…I knew they couldn’t do without me”? Purnell was already rehearsing his “…well done lads, we may have lost today but we still got promoted” speech.

Things however would soon change. Despite the fact that some of the Monday players were playing as if they were having a Sunday morning lie-in, Nick Hand led by example, casually thwarting further Cowboy attacks and setting up the ‘Thekla-partying-wooly-hatted’ Newby on his trademark National Hunt gallops down the left wing to start creating chances for the waking Monday.

One such raid saw Newby square a ball to Blazer Sheridan, who in his own words “…produced a majestic turn only to produce a crap shot which produced an even crapper attempt of a save by their keeper. Goal!”

EASTON MONDAY 1 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

Worse was yet to come for the visitors when Rance hoofed a half-hearted shot/pass from 30 yards, turned away in disgust, only to miss the keeper letting the ball slip through his hands and legs. Or as Brian himself recalls “…the equaliser was a glorious 30 yard volley that spun in the air and whistled into the bottom corner.”

EASTON MONDAY 2 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

The Monday, taking encouragement from the fact that their keeper was worse than Purnell began to string passes together. Charlton began to dance his merry dance around the edge of the box and a cross to Blazer saw him take, in his own words “…a wild left foot swing, missed, tap in with right…keeper nowhere to be seen. Goal!”

EASTON MONDAY 3 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

What happened next no one really knows but a passing artist had time to set up his easel and sketch the attached drawing.

Pete Stillman recalls “…I made my first decent contact with the ball and sent a hoofed clearance into their half where it bounced twice and was nodded past the keeper by his own centre back (precisely as I thought he would do).”

EASTON MONDAY 4 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

The only other event of the half that everyone recalls (mainly due to the fact that they were expecting it) was a trademark open-goal miss from Newby who managed to skip around their keeper and plant the ball firmly into the side netting.

HALF TIME

Hand was feeling his age and his dodgy leg and made way for the Easton Monday Bulldog Whippet known as Marcus Teague to terrorise their left winger.

In the tradition of Gravestock, Purnell had little else to do apart from get severely told off by Mr Angry Matt No-Surname when pathetically failing to collect a ball he had called for.

Fellow defender Mason’s only worry all match was the dodgy bounce and whether Purnell was going to cry following Matt No-Surnames’ blast. Stillman, after, by his own admission “a terrible start”,, got his bionic knees in gear, cleared his lines and set up attacks down the right.

In midfield, Yarrow overcame the dodgy pitch by emulating Lee Bowyer and bulldozing everything in sight and Brian, aiming to win the Captaincy back, shouted a lot at his team mates.

Another mazey run by Charlton led to a cross to Blazer who in his own words “…like a flash got in front of the on-coming lethargic Rance. Goal!”

EASTON MONDAY 5 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

Howarth, who had done his best to plough a trench in the concrete like turf down the right wing was subbed and on came Lappin who recalls “…about 80 mins into the game, ball came to me on the half way line, turned left, and lamped it upfield, (deliberately and of course accurately) finding Pete Sheri, who went on to beat one defender and score sweetly.” Or as Sheridan recalls in his own words “…after a smart turn and run, in an effort to change my name from Blazer to Low Drive, drilled the ball low into the bottom left hand corner. Goal!”

Stu Charlton asked the coach later that “…now that Sheridan has scored 4, it was enough to take him to the top of the golden boot chase I have pinned on my bedroom wall. Can you put him back in midfield next week please? Or left back.”

EASTON MONDAY 6 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

Newby managed to miss another open goal, though in his defence he states “… I think that an open goal is when theres no keeper to beat (i.e. the first one). The second one therefore was not technically an open goal as the goalkeeper was in position to save my attempted miscue into the bottom corner. Luckily for him I caught it good and true and thus missed the target completely. I’ll aim to pass if in a similar position next Sunday.”

Rance finished the scoring in the last few minutes. “…a cool side footed finish from 10 yards that put Newby to shame” was how the bashful, modest scorer described it.

EASTON MONDAY 7 - 1 EASTON COWBOYS

The final whistle blew, the Champagne popped and Easton Monday had secured their second successive Championship, remaining unbeaten in the league for two seasons, winning all eight games this season, scoring 42, conceding only 6 and playing some great football.

Coach Jones commented after the game “…A rather shaky start and as expected they had a few ringers in, I even pulled a fast one after their goal and said I recognised some of their players from Saturday !! which their manager slightly embarrassingly agreed with!! muttered something and scampered back to his subs!” We seemed to step up a gear realising that it was a potential bananna skin game. Okay a little lucky to get back in the game but after that a think the defence did their job, no messing and booted it up which in the conditions was just right. The passing between Stu, Sherri, Brian, Steve and Chris was fantastic, half a dozen times it looked like one touch prem football !! Sherri was on a mission he was so strong in the tackle and chased everything and I think the stuffing was knocked out of them when even their ringers realised that as we’ve said all season we’ve got a good Saturday/Sunday league team !!

The Harry Mottram Cup Semi Final awaits next Sunday and a chance to reach their second successive Final. Bring it on!