Easton Monday 3 - 0 Axbridge Saxons

[17 Apr : BAWA Sports Ground]

Easton completed the second leg of their European tour by heading down near the Med to Bridge-de-LAx. The directions given were none too precise, basically consisting of finding the town square and asking a passing moustachioed cyclist with onions round their neck the way. Most found the centre-ville, but then had to rely on the assistant from the local Le Spar to help with the finer details. She was asked so many times that, by the end, shed prepared an impressive 3D model using baguettes, brie and bottles of red wine. All the team managed to get to the venue Laps also managed to get her phone number.

The ground itself was a throw back to proper Sunday morning football. The changing rooms werent finished so, after Chris (Pires) Newby arrived with the kit, the lads got changed in the car-park. Having been on the road for a few hours, many also used the car-park as a public convenience, although Jez Norton decided to play fire the wire by heading over to the electricity silo.

The pitch itself was in good nick. On a slight slope, the ground was well grassed, the markings well drawn and it was fairly enclosed so Tom Adams didnt have to go so far to get the ball for throw-ins. The stadium was also not fully complete but an imposing two-tiered hospitality suite complex ran the length of the ground. Some people may have referred to it as the backs of the terrace houses in the local estate but Im fairly sure I spotted a prawn sandwich and certainly no-one was watching the game from the many windows, so Im confident it definitely was corporate hospitality.

Easton were feeling the effects of games on consecutive weeks as their absentee list grew. Howarth and Teague were missing from last week, with Howarth apparently being spotted in a West End hotel talking furtively to a Portuguese bloke not lacking in confidence. So the staring 11 remained the same as played the week earlier, with a (slightly) rejuvenated Lappin taking the subs role. After hed finished his free chunk of camembert of course.

So, to the game. Easton knew that one more win would secure promotion in consecutive seasons. This added to the pressure ahead of what was going to be a tough game anyway, these foreign types normally producing the goods on their own turf.

Easton started the match like a tourist visiting the Louvre - with interest, caution and respect. They played the first 10 mins well within themselves, checking out the opposition who started well. Having said that, Stu Skipper Charlton had the ball in the net within 5 minutes, but he was ruled offside. It was the first time that happened during the game, but certainly wouldnt be the last. Easton werent having things all their way though, and the two big Saxon forwards were foraging and pillaging well and creating problems for Mason and Stillman in the heart of the Mondays defence. From one invasion, Jacque LAttacker (for that was his name) found himself in on goal and tried to chip the gangly Gravestock from the edge of the area. The Easton keeper managed to lift an arm to stop the ball drifting over him and into the net.

Gradually the strong heart of the Easton midfield, Sheridan and No-Surname, started to get the upper hand. The Saxons werent helping themselves much by constantly trying to play passing football out of their own defence, but not really having the skill or accuracy to pull it off. Indeed, it was from one of the Saxon errors that Easton took a valuable lead.

An exquisite pass from Jez Norton, masquerading as a have it punt up field, slipped under the foot of Claude Bac-Centre (for that was his name) and Skipper Stu was away. Having waited 5 or 6 minutes for the covering defender to challenge him, Skip eventually got bored and lashed in a right foot shot inside the keepers near post.

Axbridge Saxons 0 - 1 Easton Monday

As usual this season, Easton then started to turn the screw. Jones and Newby, back in his home-land, started giving good options on the wing but it has to be said the most influential wide player was turning out to be Laurent Le Linesman (for that was his name). Laurent demonstrated a disturbing nervous tick of raising his arm, which had this flag thing in it, every time the team in blue approached him. Now, you can get therapy for that type of thing, but not in a medieval French town on the Sabbath, and so the ref (anxious not to upset him) kept giving the home team free kicks. Ah well, cest lavee.

Easton needed a second and, based on the previous week, it came from an unlikely source. Stillman competed strongly on the half way line before placing the ball through to the on-rushing Purnell. Stillman was in the process of apologising to his team-mates for wasting the opportunity while Purnell was trying to get as close to the goal line before aiming at the bar. Both were surprised when Purnell slipped on a truffle and swung his left foot at the ball as he fell. The shot clearly surprised Gerard de Goalie as he only managed to wave the ball onto the post and into the net.

Axbridge Saxons 0 - 2 Easton Monday

Easton nearly added a third soon after when Purnell fell to the ground in the area after a Saxon stopper breathed garlic over him. The referee initially appeared to point to the spot, but having identified Easton’s uncertainty over who should miss the penalty, changed his mind and gave an indirect free-kick under the new and underused halitosis rule being trialled in the Casuals League this season. Easton, predictably, wasted the chance.

With a few minutes left to the half, Easton were encouraged to keep it tight. Sheridan corrected this and encouraged them to keep it really tight. Gravestock, the dim keeper, was still trying to work out the difference when Maurice Le Midfield (for that etc etc) launched a soaring cross. Gravestock thought it was time for him to do something and came charging out of his goal. He then looked up into the midday(ish) Mediterranean(ish) sun and lost his bearings. So he just stood there, arms aloft (as if that was going to help) while Henri La Header got his tete to the ball and, fortunately for the pasty-faced keeper, put his effort wide.

Half Time

In the second half, Easton were playing up the slope and against the wind but, if anything, this often makes them play better as they demonstrate their sweet passing football. Once again, the back four were having a storming game with Adams keeping it tight and breaking forward on the right, Mason (despite the odd air-shot) dominating most situations, Stillman clearing up any loose ends and Norton proving a valuable outlet as always on the left. Easton were still getting caught offside, of course, but at least the ball was in the opponents half (if only just half a foot, as Purnell was caught out on a couple of times).

The team were forced into a change when Norton unfortunately had to hobble off holding his back. You may remember a couple of years ago Steven Gerrard couldnt play 2 games in a week because he was still growing and his back couldnt take it. Maybe theres hope yet, eh Jez?

The third, and decisive goal, was a gem. A sweeping move down the left led to Purnell cutting inside and saw Jones plodding up on the right. A pin point cross meant that Coach had to do something, so with pent up anger left over from the previous week, he lashed his right foot at the poor ball. It flew viciously, right into the top corner and lodged in the stanction like Trevor Brookings 1980 goal against Hungary. (Ok, I exaggerate a bit, but it looked good).

Axbridge Saxons 0 - 3 Easton Monday

All this silky soccer, dominating defences and perfect passing are very nice, but the best was yet to come. Indeed, some would say it was the turning point of the game, if not the season. I would for one. When Silvane Le Substitute collected the ball just inside the Easton half it looked like there was little on. He strode forward unchallenged for a few paces before unleashing a powerful continental strike (and we know how good the French are at striking). Helped by the wind and the slope, the ballon was heading over Gravestock and into the net. Put it this way, if it had been Seaman in any kind of important game it would have been 3-1. However the sprightly and now less pale Gravestock (standing out for 90 mins near the equator is not recommended for one so translucent) launched himself up and back, stretching his aging body to the max. He managed to get a strong finger-nail to the ball, pushing it onto the bar before going over for the corner. Those who were there will surely remember the event for a long time. If they dont, Gravestock will ring them up regularly and remind them of it.

Full Time

The game ended soon after, Easton triumphant and promoted. A nice little incident followed when the quietest referee in the world whispered for Skipper Stu to come over for a, predictably, quiet word. What he said was a credit to the Easton approach as he explained to Stu just what a pleasure it had been to ref us. Im not sure if that was because Easton played the game in such a good spirit, or got caught offside so often it gave him loads of chances to catch his breath. Whatever, it was nice to hear and gave another opportunity for (sportsmanlike) smugness.

Man of the match was a toughie, but was just pipped by Stillman for setting up one and stopping a few others. Save of the match wasnt so tricky. (Look, Ive got to milk it right you dont know what its like, standing behind this lot all season, taking the odd (generally poor) goal kick, living for the knock-ups before the game knowing its the last chance Ill get to touch the ball, longing for a missed tackle here, a stray header there, but no it never happens, its always nice one Deano, or get in there Matt, or coolly done Nick, not having anything to say to my young daughter when she asks what daddy did today apart from drive through 3 counties to put a bright yellow top on and stand in front of a big onion bag congratulating others before getting criticised for not getting the odd match report in on time. Ah, dammit, Im determined not to play at all next week in protest )