Easton Monday 4 - 0 Henleaze Corinthians

[03 Apr : QEH]

Three games left of the league season, and still all to play for for Easton Monday. Already secure in the cup semi final, the chance to win the league was still possible but three tough away games beckoned. The first was at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital Playing Grounds just outside Bristol.

Sounds nice doesnt it? However, having played Sunday morning football for most of my life, I know there are a few words to be dreaded. Words like just throw the broken glass behind the goal and the markings arent great so we normally just guess. These words are normally preceded with something like the pitch is just through the gap in the hedge. So when, the Easton team made their way through a gap in the local vegetation, they knew roughly what to expect.

Its possible the Easton Monday team have become a bit spoilt with the immaculate pitches at their home ground, the Axa sportsground. That seemed the case as they studied the pitch which had more divots than a Tiger Woods chipping range, and more bumps than Mr Bump of Bumpshire celebrating his128th birthday with his friends. It did occur to me that the link to the hospital was because so many of the patients had obviously tried their luck on the surface first.

Easton were further fooled by the apparent lack of organisation of the opposition. Right up until 5 minutes to kick off it was uncertain how many players Corinthians would be taking with them through the gap in the hedge. As it turned out, they managed to muster 10, and Easton helped make the number up to full 11 by loaning Jon Howarth for the first half. Out of contract at the end of season, this was an opportunity for Howarth to impress.

Whatever the reason, Easton appeared to go into the game over-confident and a bit complacent. They shouldnt have been really as they were once again depleted on the playing front. Out were regulars Rance, Hand, Lappin and Yarrow. In came Adams at right back with Teague as substitute and the afore-mentioned Howarth as left midfield (for the opposition). Stillman was placed at centre-back to partner Mason, with Matt No-Surname moving into centre midfield. Sheridan, his partner in that position, was fully aware that Dyer and Bowyer were centre midfield partners before coming to blows. Knowing that this probably wouldnt be a good idea with Mad Matt, Sheridan kept his distance and was to pass to the mysterious no-named one at every opportunity.

Easton started the game like the 128 year-old Mr Bump making his way to the weekly whist drive slow, sluggish and uncertain. Corinthians clearly had a bit of strength in the team and were keen in the tackle. With Easton taking longer than normal to get the ball under control, it was clear this was going to be more of a test than their last outing.

The first 15 minutes were a real midfield scramble with nothing much being created at either end. Chris Samson Newby, not sporting his trade mark beanie having benefited from a mid-week hair cut, was not proving as effective as usual. However, this was to pay surprising dividends on 20 minutes from a harmless looking situation.

The ball was passed by the industrious Norton in to the Easton left wing area, with a Corinthians defender shielding it out for a goal kick. The defender was suddenly struck by the golden sheen of Newbys newly shorn locks and stopped to ask which conditioner he was using. This was foolish for two reasons. The first was it allowed the agile Newby to whip past the static blocker and pull a cross back from the dead-ball line for Sheridan to strike a great shot into the corner of the net. The second was that, for any conditioning query, it is clearly more appropriate to ask the 2005 Face of BodyShop, Colonel Purnell.

Henleaze Corinthians 0 - 1 Easton Monday

Easton visibly relaxed after this initial success, and began to take control. The new back four had its hands full, but that was mainly with trying to replace divots and lining up tricky downhill putts. Up the other end, chances came, and chances went. One particular player successfully managed to hit the bar from 1 yard out. Twice. Then the same player, when put through one-on-one with the keeper, decided to do a full pirouette and start playing in the other direction before placing the ball out for a goal kick. It would be unfair to name names, but his initials are AP. And his nick-name is Colonel. There is a general feeling he was feeling a bit put out over the whole conditioner incident, but that would be supposition.

Eager to get the second important goal, Easton pressed forward and finally managed to sneak it. I cant remember it actually, but taking a wild stab in the dark (which is probably what he did), Id say that Stu Sniffer Charlton managed to bag his 402nd goal of a reasonable season.

Half time
Henleaze Corinthians 0 - 2 Easton Monday

At the start of the second half, Coach Jones changed the structure of the team the opposition team. Having been snuffed out of the game by the competitive Howarth, Jones decided to take him back into the Easton fold, leaving Corinthians with 10 men and Jones with a lot more space. Hes a master tactician that fella.

However, if anything, the Corinthians had more of the game. Keeper Gravestock even had a couple of saves to make (well, he caught a couple of crosses and shouted a bit. Its good to be involved). Easton did live dangerously though. Firstly, the Corinthians midfield general was given time in the area to fire a powerful volley goal ward. It screamed past the statuesque Gravestock, but the heroic Mason decided to risk the chance of having any little Masons giving away penalties in the future. The ball hit his upper thigh, shall we say, and ricoched over the bar.

Later, and reverting to type (and happy that there were some little Mason swimmers still around) Deano then lunged in recklessly on the classy midfielder. He went down about 4yards within the area, but the referee in his wisdom pointed to a free kick on the edge of the box. From the resulting free kick, keeper Gravestock lined up a wall of 4 and then decided to stand behind them. Hes not too clever really. The ball, perhaps not surprisingly, went towards the other side of the goal with Gravestock waving at it politely as it cannoned off the bar and rebounded out to safety.

Easton were probably under as much pressure as they had been throughout the whole season. They needed some breathing space and the adaptable Howarth supplied it. On a break away down the left, Charlton found some space on the by-line and pulled it back for Howarth to slot in from a yard. His celebration involved him ringing his agent and asking to renegotiate terms.

Henleaze Corinthians 0 - 3 Easton Monday

This third goal effectively finished the contest and Easton free wheeled to the end. There was still time to add a fourth as a re-beanied Newby shot home to continue his remarkable record of scoring in every game hes played this season. Hed also continued his remarkable record of missing an open goal in most of the games hes played in so lets not get too carried away eh?

The game trundled to an end and the players returned back through the hedge to reality.

Final score
Henleaze Corinthians 0 - 4 Easton Monday

No man of the match was handed out, but man-after-the-match was given to the gallant Paul Want to see my bruises? Lappin. When he heard a pretty(ish) blond had stopped her MG having run out of fuel, he was there quicker than you could say so you want filling up love? Having been told to rest and avoid physical exertion for a while if he wants to play again this season, it looks like Lappin could be out for a few more weeks yet.