Easton Monday 11 - 0 Scuttlers

[20 Mar : Axa Sun Life]

While most of the country woke up to a beautiful Spring morning, the micro-climate that dominates the Axa Sports ground was at it again. A misty morning greeted the players along with the traditional cutting wind that appeared from no-where.

The early signs werent good. The Easton squad was already depleted by the absence of key players Hand (injured), Brance (abroad) and Adams (who was shooting a pornographic movie, allegedly). This was followed on the morning by the news that Lappin had hurt his back snow-boarding. Were not sure if he did this attempting a major jump on the slopes, or a major jump from a wardrobe (maybe connected to Adams flick) but either way it impressed the Dutch girls apparently, so at least it was worth it.

Down to the bare 12, further bad news followed. Mad Matt had contacted coach & pharmacist Jones the previous evening to talk him through his medical problem. No-Surname had spent Friday and Saturday pebble-dashing the porcelain and had wanted Joness opinion on whether he should play. Jones the pharmacist said no, that would be silly. Jones the coach said stop being such a big girls blouse and for him to buy some immodium, a plug and get out there. Jones the coach won.

One final complication was keeper Gravestocks controversial decision not to bring his gloves. Gravestocks argument was based on the fact that, playing for Easton, he very rarely has to use them. A single club glove was found in the kit bag and so Gravestock took to the pitch with one gloved and one bare hand, in half-homage to the proper keepers of the past who thought gloves were for girls. And in homage to Michael Jackson who thinks gloves are for boys. As are sweeties. And copies of Tom Adams videos.

So, finally, to the game. Easton started the game like Mad Matt visiting the toilet quickly, with an appropriate degree of urgency and splaying it all over the place. The only difference was the amount of control Easton was demonstrating. Reacting to the necessary team changes, Sheridan was asked to blaze passes from central midfield, Colonel joined Willow-the-Wisp Charlton up front and Stillman slotted in beside Mason and No-Surname at right back. Although, understandably, he kept his distance from Matt.

From the off, it was clear Scuttlers were no match for the mighty Mondays. One touch stuff down both wings was cutting the porous defence to ribbons, like Lappin boarding through a group of Saga skiers. A few screen tests were put down before the money-shot was placed in the can. Newby intercepted a weak goal kick and lobbed the ball over the top. Willow wisped round the back and managed to beat the Scuttlers keeper to the ball to nod over him and into the net. A relief for the boys certainly, but that still doesnt excuse the little jump and high-fives shared between The Woolly-Headed-One and Willow. It wasnt a pretty sight.

The second goal followed soon after, after Yarrow placed an exquisite pass (at least I think it was meant as a pass with Steve it could well have been a shot from half way) to the on-running Willow who scuffed an effort through the keepers legs. (The keeper had made the common mistake of wearing 2 gloves, which was clearly affecting his mobility. School boy error that).

The third was a neatly finished effort when Newby miscontrolled on the edge of the area. This created some unexpected space for him to pass the ball accurately into the back of the net. It was all a bit too easy to be honest.

In the next 10 minutes, Willow impressively showed his full array of misses. He shot wide with his left foot when through 1 on 1, he hit a right footer over when following up a rebound and he sensationally managed to head against the post from 1 yard with the keeper stranded. This type of flexibility is hard to master, and Willow was proving that practice had made perfect. He finally managed to complete his hat-trick before half time after a superb move down the right involving Stillman, Jones, Sheridan, Purnell and finally Charlton. Im sure he tried his best, but even Stuey couldnt miss that one.

Half time: Easton Monday 4 - 0 Scuttlers

A change was made at half time with the speedy Howarth replacing the rather one-paced Newby, who had noticed a loose thread in the hat that needed darning. This gave Easton a new outlet to be exploited, and more danger for the disillusioned Scuttler defence.

It took a while for the Mondays to recapture their first half form, but soon things began to get better. In a bid not to use up all the memory on my outdated lap-top, Ill try and prcis the next few goals:

Number 5 a Yarrow thunderbolt into the top corner (yes Brian, I think we were all surprised) Number 6 a right foot volley from the left sided Howarth (yes Brian, even more surprised). Jons watching son, Theo, now expects his dad to fill that problem place on the left hand side in Englands next team. Lets face it, Jason Wilcox and Steve Guppy have been given a shot, so why not? Number 7 Blazer decided to show that, if put close enough to the goal, he doesnt always blaze over. Comfortingly, he returned to his usual ways later in the game, thus avoiding a drug test.

It was one-way traffic. Recently, the acknowledged creator of the total football concept, Rinus Michels, sadly died. It was like the Easton players were paying their own tribute to the Dutch master by bringing the format forward into the 21st Century. There was so much movement (not just involving Mad Matt) and positional changes that the Scuttler players didnt know where to look. Andy Back Flick Purnell took the concept to its ultimate extreme when he decided the only position change left for him was to join to other team. So he donned a dodgy red and white shirt and started terrorising Norton with his fabulous array of, um, back flicks. It was genius though it was like Michels telling Cruyff to go and play for Germany in the 1974 World Cup Final. Only different.

However, the addition of a piss-taking scruffy outsider on their right wing did nothing to help the Scuttler defence. The goals kept flowing:

Number 8 Yarrow again, revelling in the extra playing time created by Rance not shooting high and wide, sent a scuttler scuttling into the bottom corner Number 9 Yarrow again, proving the major bookmakers wrong and getting 3 shots on target in a match Number 10 back to Willow, set up by Newby.

Im sorry if the whole thing seems a bit boring, but frankly it was. Certainly not as interesting as the match on the adjoining pitch where Axa had, rather against the run of play in my opinion, just secured a 2-0 lead. Luckily, there was one more event of note to save the game.

Its always struck me theres an uncanny resemblance between Chris Newby and Robert Pires. Maybe its the pigeon-toed hurried running style. Maybe its the unnecessarily elaborate facial hair. Maybe its the fact they both keep being left out of the French squad. I dont know theres something there but I couldnt quite put my finger on it. Then Newby was put through une-sur-une with the keeper. Things were looking good for numero onze when Robert, sorry, Chris inexplicably tripped himself up and, on falling, let out a little Gallic expression of disgust. Now, I cant remember Easton ever winning a penalty (maybe because Deano always plays on our side) but this was an interesting way of going about it; at the crucial 10-0 up with 5 minutes to go stage. The ref was unimpressed, or he was too busy pissing himself with laughter to give it, but to me it was the final confirmation. The lad from Morcambe-Sur-La-Mer and Monsieur Pires are one and the same. You wait until Robert brings the trademark beanie into the Premiership every kidll have one.

Oh yeah, Number 11 Yarrow again. He played quite well really.

Full time Easton Monday 11 - 0 Scuttlers

Controversially, Man of the Match wasnt given to either of the 4 goal scoring heroes, but to the raiding right wing back, Pete Stillman. Maybe that was because he got his leg in the way of the one shot Scuttlers had all match. Maybe its because hes a Gas fan, and people felt sorry for him. Maybe it was his turn alphabetically (well, Sheridan won it last match). Whatever the reason, he won it and everyone was happy. Except for a disgruntled Robert/Chris, who cleans the kit for both Arsenal and the Mondays. Matts immodium hadnt quite worked for the whole 90 minutes