Easton Monday 6 - 0 Redland Ramblers

[20 Feb : Axa]

After the aftermath

12.27 pm: “Man of the Match this week goes to Pete Sheringham”. The ecstatic words of the Colonel, and a fair decision too as the magnificent Sheringham had a superb game up front and didn’t put a foot wrong. Apart from when he mis-controlled in front of an empty net of course, but it would be petty and unnecessary to mention that. But for the record anyway Pete Stillman recalls “Pete Sheridan taking a touch to make sure” in the six yard box but only clipping it straight to their keeper”

The aftermath

12.22 pm: “Still bloody cold ain’t it? I’m not hanging around out here”. The wise words of Captain Rance that ended the post match melee and both sets of players returned to the changing rooms. Mr Lappin Snr was escorted, Rooneyesque, to his vehicle by the top security guards Easton could muster (Matt No-Surname basically).

12.21 pm: “He’s my father-in-law. He may buy crap Christmas presents, but he wouldn’t do that.” The conciliatory words of Dean ‘Kofi Annan’ Mason, trying to keep the peace as order threatened to be lost at the end of this cup quarter final.

12.20 pm: “Blah blah blah disgusting. Blah blah blah casuals league. Blah blah blah get you.” Just a few of the words spat out by the angriest left back I’ve ever seen, and that includes Jez Norton being told he can’t clean his own kit. A bemused Mr Lappin Snr held his ground, but it’s hard to get a reasoned argument across when wiping away spittle.

The middlemath

12.14 pm: “Dammit, now I’ve got to run back to our half”. The tired words of Steve Jones as he slammed a low shot into the corner of the net to complete the scoring. 6-0 to Easton Monday.

12.09 pm: “Arrghh.” The pained cry of Redland’s best player as he got his foot caught in the turf and resurrected an old injury. Bit of a shame that, because he’d had a good game and hadn’t got frustrated by the inability of his team. After a 5 minute delay, people started chatting and Mr Lappin Snr was seen by the Redland left back laughing at a joke. Thinking he was laughing at the inured player’s misfortune, the blood hound threatened action after the game. But loads of players say that. They never carry it through though. Never.

12.06 pm: “Ah right. Keep the ball on the floor”. The revelatory words of Pete ‘Lay-Off’ Sheringham as he finished a Beanie nod-on with aplomb, passing the ball past the approaching keeper for Easton’s fifth.

11.59 am: “You’re a f*ecking erse, I’ll get you you winker”. Steve Yarrow responded.

The match official at the time Nick hand reveals, “I have asked for video evidence of an incident in the 81st minute, which I and my assistants appear to have missed involving Steve Yarrow and the Redland Rambler centre back. This could lead to an official hearing in a public house of my choice in which the said Yarrow buys beers for the officials and club representatives present.

11.58 am: “Ug. Ug, ug”. The astute words of the big Redland central defender who was, shall we say, getting a bit frustrated by Easton’s dominance. As well as putting across his argument by this clever use of the English language, ‘Ug’ was also leaving his mark on a few Easton players. Being the mature, sensible and controlled players they are, the Easton men refused to respond.

11.47 am: “I think I’ve just cum”. The astonishingly honest words of one of the hoards of Easton spectators as yet another sweeping move down the right ended up in the back of the Redland net. Picking the ball up in his own half, Yarrow placed it into the feet of Sheringham who tapped it on to Jones. Jones looked up and sent a curling cross to the far post for Charlton to complete his hat-trick by dispatching a delightful back hand volley into the side of the court. 4-0 and the game was over, and nearly the set and match. Linesman Stilly recalls… I said to Tom, “it was like a proper goal!”

In order to prevent Charlton getting to arrogant and protect Andy Robinsons ‘5 goal game record’ Player Coach Jones subbed him for ‘I got a big warm coat on’ Purnell to get a taste of the Arctic conditions.

11.41 am: “It’s only what you deserve lads”. Just a few of the many words from Mr Lappin Snr, these ones summing up the situation nicely as the third goal went in. A neat move resulted in Newby gentlemanly removing his Benny Hill beanie before nodding in from a Jones cross.

11.37 am: “Anyone got any more wool?” The pleading words of keeper Gravestock who, once again having nothing to do behind the solid Easton back four, had made good progress knitting some team scarves.

The middle bit of the Middlemath

11.19 am: “It’s half time lads”. The uncontroversial words of the referee as the players trudged to get their orange segments. There weren’t any, actually, but that was the only disappointment as the Easton boys congratulated themselves on one of the finest halves of football they’ve played. 2-0 to Easton. It was like a love fest. If only they had scarves.

The first bit of the Middlemath

11.12 am: “Would you like chips with that?” The teasing words of Beanie-Man who was not only constantly skinning his opponent, he was coming back to fillet him before laying him on a platter amongst some fine hollandaise sauce. Unfortunately the Bean-Man had adopted Blazer’s tendencies and was securing a number of important conversions. With questions hanging over Charlie Hodgson’s future, who’s to say we won’t see the famous Beanie /Goatie combination at Twickenham sometime soon?

Soon after, a dodgy calf muscle prevented Nick Hand from strolling around in defence like a lost puppy and a near frozen Norton broke out of his ice block on the bench and ran on like a man on a mission in order to warm up.

11.09 am: “Told you!” The celebratory words of Colonel as Charlton got on the end of a sweeping four man move also involving Lappin (Jnr), Jones and Sheringham. Charlton tried his best to miss it, in the finest tradition of Henman, but failed miserably and prodded the ball over the line. 2-0 to the Mighty Mondays.

11.02 am: “Stick with it Stuey; more will come”. The optimistic words of Colonel, substitute for the morning as it meant he could wear all the many layers he’d bought with him, to main marksman Stu Charlton. Charlton was giving his best Tim Henman impersonation by getting very close, but not quite managing to get the final touch. His socks were whiter than white though.

10.51 am: “Get in there!” The surprised words of Steve Yarrow as he saw his speculative weak shot from the edge of the area squirm past the Redland replacement keeper via a Charlton miss hit/deflection/ tap-in type thing I think. It was no more than Easton deserved, although probably more than Yarrow’s erratic shooting deserved. Still, at least he was managing to keep his temper in the hurly burly of the midfield battle. 1-0 to Easton.

10.46 am: “Don’t let him shoot”. The pragmatic words of the whole Easton team encouraged, but always slightly worried, by Sheringham’s strong start to the game. He was leading the front line like Alan Shearer at his best, backing in firmly and controlling the ball well before laying it off neatly, sometimes to colleagues. On this form, there was no way he’d miss an open goal.

10.32 am and 12 seconds: ‘Ooohhh’. The words of the crowd (well, mainly the words of Mr Lappin Snr) as Easton missed their first chance of the game. Having attacked straight from the start, the ball nearly fell kindly for Mr Beanie but Redland scrambled the ball away. It was a promising start but surely Easton couldn’t keep it going against a team of such quality?

10.32 am: “You should wear a hat. Like mine.” The words of the Beanie King, Chris Newby, responding to a few comments about the low temperature. The game kicked off with Easton playing into a strong northern wind.

The beforemath

10.07 am: “F**k me it’s cold out there. Not sure I’ll bother.” The inspirational words of Captain Rance, geeing up his troops before this crucial cup battle against higher league opposition. In the rest of the changing room, Dean Mason was removing some comedy Christmas socks, Jez Norton was arriving late (but fully kitted out already in his own-hand-washed attire) and Pete ‘Blazer’ Sheringham was claiming he was going to have a great game. The team humoured him, apart from Mr Motivation Rance who suggested Blazer couldn’t score if passed the ball in front of an open net.

Someone mentioned we had some genuine vocal support, in the form of Mr Lappin Snr. It was nice, people commented, to see the true family values of the Casual’s League being maintained. Nice.