Easton Monday 2 - 0 Hill Farm Casuals

[16 Jan : Axa]

Comparisons with Yeading were clear as the gallant Monday boys set off on their way to the all-seater stadium, 4 officials and excessive Sky Sports coverage. Yep, they were ready to take on the mighty.Hill Farm. Umm.

Finding their way to the stadium proved to be a trickier than you might think for some, as keeper Gravestock showed up late and just a few minutes before kick off. He pleaded ignorance (easily done) as he hadnt seen the massive Cadburys Factory on the edge of Keynsham beside which the pitch was situated. However, that wasnt the whole truth, as actually Gravestock had passed through the gated entrance a good half hour earlier. The problem was, he was seen nibbling on a Nestle Kit-Kat by the Cadbury Chocolate Police and was taken into custody. For the half hour, he suffered an extensive and intrusive interrogation and was only released when the Choc Cops found empty Whole Nut wrappers lying under the drivers seat of his state of the art 1994 Mazda. Could this explain his rather dodgy handling later in the game? It had to be a factor.

Pre-match excitement over, the team made their way down to the all-seater stadium, known locally as Pitch 12 (of 14 incidentally, and it was only this high because they were resting pitches 13 and 14). No seats. No officials. No whistle. And Andy Gray had obviously lost his way as well (or was caught carelessly chomping on a Mars bar on his way in. Never have his words He had no right to do that! echoed with so much pain and honesty).

So, brought down the earth, the game got under way. Easton started like a bar of Dairy Milk chunky, smooth and satisfying. Sporting a very strong squad, they took the game to Hill Farm. Down the right, Matt Dime Bar No-Name and Steve Join our Club Jones were forging a formidable partnership, echoed on the left by Jez Miniature Hero Norton and Chris Curly Wurly Newby. In the middle, Brian Ripple Rance and Steve Yorkie Yarrow were dominating the opposition and things were looking good. Up front, Pete Snickers Sheridan and Andy Marathon Purnell actually looked to be forming a proper partnership. Much like the same commodity with just a different name to appeal to the Continental market in fact.

It wasnt long before Jones found his way round the back, allegedly, and crossed for a joyous Newby to lash home from close range. Off he set on his celebration run, whirling his hat manically above his head. At least, thats how I remember it.

Hill Farm 0-1 Easton Monday

After that, the game settled down into a consistent pattern. Easton still looked stronger and Sheridan, Jones and Newby all got into good positions before shooting. Sheridan, a shade predictably, blazed over (well, wed be worried if he didnt), Jones managed to put his left foot blaster out for a throw in and, always one to follow the lead of a team selector, Newby did the same. Nice that. Rance, feeling left out, tried to get in on the scene by whacking his shot for a throw in as well. However, and again predictably, he badly mishit his effort, and it ended up rolling goal wards. Eventually it hit the post, with the power of the shot bouncing the ball out two, possibly three, whole yards.

Slowly Hill Farm began to realise that there was an attacking half they hadnt explored yet and, like timid kittens, started to creep through the cat flap that was the centre circle. It was to prove a massive error of judgement as they were met by the big bad dog from next door, Dean Crunchie Mason. Deano was in awesome form, lunging imperiously from all heights and all angles. Ok, maybe he was helped by the fact the referee had no whistle or any inclination to indicate foul play, but to concentrate on that would do him a disservice. If the little devils ever did get past him, the smooth sophistication of Nick Caramel Hand left them apologising for being so impertinent and they gave the ball back without too much of an argument.

In fact, the only time Easton looked in any danger was when keeper Kit Kat Gravestock rather strangely scooped a cross one handed off the boot of Norton, in a girlie fashion that the women from the Flake adverts would have been proud of. Possibly the trauma of his pre-match experience was still playing on his mind, or other parts of his body. Luckily, the danger came to nought.

The start of the second half saw the welcome return of Stu Breakaway Charlton. Having failed in his audacious trial to join the Auckland Mackams, Charlton nearly got on the score sheet with his first touch. Using his exceptional pace to make the lumbering 50 year old Hill Farm centre back look like, well, a lumbering 50 year old centre back, Charlton was 1 on 1 with the keeper. Unfortunately, New Zealand isnt renowned for top footie skills, and Charlton has clearly been influenced by their inability as he shot tamely against the goalies legs.

Hill Farm raised their game in the second half, playing a bit more to their Premier League status. Still, they failed to create much against the strong Easton defence: one unlucky ricochet did lead to a Farm forward running through on goal but he ran out of steam about 25 yards out and shot weakly wide. Another incident saw Gravestock saving cleverly with the side of his face. Unfortunately, the bang to the head appears not to have straightened his wonky nose and, to date, hasnt reversed hair loss.

Easton werent playing as well as the first half, but still dominated with the wind at their backs. Chances came and went, with Eastons shooting generally resembling Keynshams impressive church - high and wide. A couple of further substitutions were made with Pete Fruit and Nut-Megged Stillman coming on for Norton and Paul Milk Tray Lappin replacing Jones.

The match was finished as a contest 5 minutes from time. Hill Farm attacked down their right, helped by Newbys hat falling off. Clearly, the most important thing for him to do was collect his head piece, so the Farm attacker was able to sprint free and get his cross in. Gravestock grabbed the ball, at the second attempt naturally, and saw Newby free on the left as he struggled to replace his beanie. A quick throw in his direction reminded Newby exactly why he was standing on a field just outside Bristol in shorts on a Sunday morning, and he set off. He beat 2 defenders before unleashing a left foot shot that was a bit better directed than his first half effort. The pace was more than the keeper could handle and, from the rebound, Charlton touched home. Well, even New Zealanders can score into an open net from 1 yard out.

Hill Farm 0-2 Easton Monday

The game then fizzled out, without even a final whistle to signal its end. Instead, the seventh referee of the game quietly mentioned that time was up and players started shaking hands. The clues were there, so everyone else stopped.

Man of the Match was handed to Blazer Sheridan, who had a great battling game up front and who the team now know how to use to Eastons advantage pass to him at all times, except when he could have the chance to shoot.

Finally, Gravestock was ecstatic when he realised hed actually kept a clean sheet for his first time ever in an Easton team. He cracked open a box of Mars Celebrations on the drive way out. He hasnt been seen since.