Easton Monday 3 - 1 PSST

[05 Dec : Axa]

The second version I prepared had an unfit goalie chugging up front for a last minute corner and heading a sensational Schmeichalesque equaliser. I was quite taken with that one actually, but in the end I had to send it to the recycle bin as well.

So the third and final version turned out like this…

On a mild December day in South Gloucestershire, the 2 teams who had contested last years cup semi-final met again on the immaculate Axa pitches.

The pre-match atmosphere was upset with a bit of car trouble, with neither Steve Yarrow nor Colonel Purnell able to get their vehicles started. Yarrow borrowed his girlfriends (someone asked did she know?, but were not sure if they were checking whether she knew hed taken her car, or whether she knew she was his girlfriend) and Purnell dug out the camper van. At least, that was his claim. There is a rumour going round that he was spotted at the Sunday morning early opening of the Body Shop, presenting him with a tricky choice of which girlie shower gel to take to the game with him.

After upsetting the Axa groundsman by attempting to play football on his delicately tended field, the game got under way. Easton started like Brian Rance visiting a lap-dance club eager, swarthy and just a little bit over-confident (oh, and paying over the odds). They created two great chances in the first five minutes Chris Like the Creases in My Socks? Newby lobbed over and then Pete Blazer Sheridan blazed over when one on one with the keeper. Thats a phrase Ill be able to copy and paste then.

After that start though, PSST took total control. Slow and cumbersome in defence, they nevertheless sported a combative and efficient midfield and a couple of 14 year olds up front that, shall we say, were a bit more nimble on their toes than the aging Easton boys. A couple of desperate attempts by the geriatrics to shove their Zimmers in the way of the kids progress created free kick opportunities. Overall, though, PSST didnt create much and their key players seemed a little more concerned by the geography homework they still had to complete after their parents had picked them up.

It all led to a fairly forgetful half as far as Easton was concerned, with probably only 2 incidents of note. The first was the traditional penalty appeal made against Dean Slider Mason, who managed an impressive 20 yard slide to try and teach one of the young whipper-snappers a lesson. Problem was, the kid was in the penalty area at the time, and had just played the ball past the distance-sliding-champion Mason. Slider clipped the heals of the youngster (ok, he clattered him) and, after a couple of seconds thought, the tortured teenager went down. The referee looked for guidance from the linesman. Luckily, Eastons own Pete Always up with Play Stillman was watching the hockey on the other pitch and decisively shrugged his shoulders in a non-committal way. The ref gave a goal kick. Nice one.

The second incident involved Chris Newbys elaborate plans for the festive period. Wanting to make a bit of a change to his appearance to impress at the Christmas parties, he debated collagen injections to look like his heroine and hair stylist, Leslie Ash. Not being able to afford the high costs for the treatment, Newby instead decided to smack his top lip into the back of an opponents head, cleverly achieving the same effect for a fraction of the cost. He spent the rest of the half looking for Neil Morrisey and some cheap flat packed furniture.

Roused by an inspirational half time talk from Captain Rance (Were going to have to play better. Oh, and did you know the lap-dance club lets you in free if youre with a stag party?) Easton started the second half playing, well, pretty much like theyd played the first (although they knew the stag party fact, which could be useful). They had made one change, with Multi Vitamin Enhanced Purnell replacing Howarth up front. The significance of the change could not be envisaged at that stage, except possibly by Colonels chief sponsor, Anita Roddick.

Anyway, back to the football, which still wasnt very good. And it got worse when a sulky thwack by a grumpy teenager dribbled apologetically into the far corner of the Easton net. He celebrated too vociferously, and was sent to his room to think about what he had done.

Easton Monday 0 PSST 1

This could have spurred Easton into action. Unfortunately it spurred them into panic and during the next ten minutes PSST hit the bar, had a shot saved by Jeff Oh, thats what Im supposed to do Gravestock in the Easton goal and had a header cleared off the line by Jez Ah, thats why Ive got a right foot Norton. It looked as if the Eastons proud record of going unbeaten in the league for 18 months was coming to an end. The possibility certainly had to be considered, with the fear theyd enter a period of crisis similar to Arsenal after they lost their unbeaten run. Perhaps Roddick would even withdraw her backing for the new Body Shop Stadium Easton is planning to build.

Finally, the Mondays started to get into the game, primarily by kicking their opponents. Players mentioned Casuals League a few times, just before raking their studs down the back of the opponents calves. Chances started to come: Blazer Sheridan blazed a few more efforts into the misty sky, and a great run by Trout Pout Newby was only ended by a fine save by the keeper.

Entering the last ten minutes and it wasnt looking good. Then, Blazer collected the ball just inside the opponents half, turned sharply and sent a defence splitting ball through the middle. Purnell going one on one with the keeper isnt always something youd bet your moisturising hand cream on, but he finished with the freshness of an energising herbal face wash.

Easton Monday 1 PSST 1

This goal demoralised PSST and Easton piled forward. Well, actually, they piled into their opponents and from one of these friendly casual league challenges, Skipper Rance sent a rejuvenated Purnell free down the right. Purnell delivering a pin point cross to a colleague isnt always something youd bet your Arber Mens Aftershave Balm on, Trout Pout was mumbling something about great last minute deals at the back post when Purnell fortunately miss hit it his pass to the near post perfectly finding the on-rushing Newby who celebrated deliriously by running into the waiting arms of Purnell, and by offering 20% off all kitchens for the remainder of the day.

Easton Monday 2 PSST 1

Just a couple of minutes left, and it looked like Easton had snatched the presents from under the PSST Christmas Tree. Just to rub it in though, they managed to sneak a third. Purnell winning a header against a guy 8 inches taller than him isnt always something youd bet your Javari Hair & Body Wash on, but he nodded on for Nick One Good Leg is Enough Hand to head home at the far post.

Easton Monday 3 Well-PSST-off-by-now 1

So that was it then. Without ever playing well, the Mondays had secured a fourth consecutive league win this season. With a goal and 2 assists, Purnell won man of the match and would have been a good signing for the weekend fantasy football team. He left the venue a proud man, Body Shop Shower Gel in hand (for a change).