Easton Monday 3 - 1 Dad's Army

[21 Nov : Cheddar]

On a misty November day, Easton Monday tackled the first leg of their European tour, playing in some far off town called Cheddar in a far off land known as Somerset (which used to be part of the Soviet Union until the break up of the Federation). Pandering to the fickle whims of Far East television, the Mondays also had to contend with a strange lunch time kick off (1.30) which, however inconvenient, enabled Andy Purnell to double his sleeping hours to 2. Its all in the preparation, as Andy revealed his secret stash of Red Bull which not only gave him wings, but a willingness to fight, as well see later.

The kick off was delayed, partly due to the large crowd entering (as it turned out, they were all going to watch the under 14s match on an adjoining pitch) and partly because there was only 1 dressing room for the old blokes (the under 14s had private cubicles with steam bath and masseurs). Still, this left the Mondays team ample time to integrate seamlessly into their foreign surroundings, Jon Howarth saying he saw something that looked like a gorgy thing while pointing fairly aimlessly in the distance in the general direction of a hill.

Eventually, Easton managed to get changed and trudged their way down to the bottom pitch (never a good sign) to be met by a field that some passing pigs had turned their noses up at, saying it was way too muddy. Forget the Rumble in the Jungle or the Thriller in Manila this was going to be the Slog in the Bog.

Easton Monday started the game like Paul Lappin when he spots a hen party quick, incisive and in-amongst-them. Indeed there was only 2 minutes on the clock when Steve The Skipper Jones found some green stuff, commonly known as grass, on the wing. Beating a couple of men with his strange stuttering style of running, Jones whipped in a cross from the right for Pete Shiny Boots Sheridan to nod home (heading being a good option for Pete, safe in the knowledge no mud would come into contact with his silver feet).

1-0 to Easton

The game then began to settle down to its predictable course Dean Hoof Mason and Matt No Surname solid at the back, Owen Young Bloke looking young in the middle, Steve Muddy Yarrow doing a good job of falling over a lot in the central bog and Jon Gorgy Howarth impressing on the left wing with his ability to use any part of his body for a pass, apart from his left foot.

Slowly Dads Army began to get into the game, not really creating anything until one of their players got a lucky ricochet and found himself one-on-one with Gravestock in the Easton goal. Gravestock had a quick decision to make about whether to run out and dive recklessly but heroically at the attackers feet, or stay planted to the spot (literally, as he had had little to do until now and the mud was up to his ankles) and hope the attacker would mess up. He chose the latter option, which proved sensible as the ball was struck harmlessly against the keepers static right leg and was eventually cleared.

This let off galvanised Easton, Young Bloke setting The Skipper off down the right again before cutting it back for Tom Shut Your Eyes Adam who pulled his right foot back and let fly. We all know the ball was more likely to end up trundling down the Gorgy Thing, but instead it nestled beautifully in the bottom corner.

2-0 to Easton

The first half was played out with Easton cleverly wasting time by burying the ball in the centre circle bog with Muddy turning round in ever decreasing circles and gradually getting closer to finding a new entrance to Wookey Hole.

Soon after the start of the second half, Howarth was taken off for the naturally left footed Jez Look How Clean my Kit Is Norton to replace him. After a slow start to the half, Easton began to dominate again with Shiny Boots putting a couple of headers just wide. Dave Another Young Bloke Winsford replaced Shut Your Eyes up front and quickly acclimatised to the conditions by getting the ball stuck under his feet and falling over a lot.

However, the difference with youth is that he is still young enough to learn from his humiliation. When moving on to a pass through the middle, Wins didnt appear favourite to beat the keeper to the chase. Matching intelligence with bravery, Wins slid from about 20 yards out. Getting deeper and deeper as he went, he was still sliding quicker than the keeper was trudging out and so, when they met the ball at roughly the same time, the keeper was not able to get the ball over the mound of mud Wins had created. The ball hit the mound, bounced goal wards and slid over the line, not actually making it to the net.

3-0 to Easton

Mondays were comfortable now, and in total control. There were other chances, one falling inviting to Shiny Boots as he ran through the middle. As Pete bore down on goal, however, he noticed a speck of mud on the silver and, by the time hed finished re-buffing, a defender had got back to cover.

Eastons defence were still looking strong with Lappin taking time out from updating his hen night address book to make vital interceptions and Stillman diving in for last second challenges as often as he could. Suddenly, though, it occurred to them they hadnt conceded a soft goal, which is part of the contract as I understand it, and so a series of errors led to a Dads Army player being presented with an open net from 6 yards out.

3-1 to Easton

The conditions were beginning to take their toll now, and Skip started to make more substitutions than Sven Goran Erickson in a friendly brothel (allegedly). One of these brought a Red Bull powered Purnell to the pitch. For 10 minutes, a few people were starting to question the impact of the Austrian energy drink. However, after an innocuous challenge on the wing, a Dads Army defender squared up to the, still slightly dozing, Purnell. Someone rushed handbags onto the pitch as the two colossi slapped each others wrists which, in fairness, could have left a nasty sting. The two were separated when someone mentioned an episode of Coronation Street was about to start and that they still had knitting to do while the light was good.

The referee, conscious of his responsibilities to keep order (and the fact he was getting a bit bored) whistled for full time soon after.

Full time Dads Army 1 Easton Monday 3

All that was left now was for the Eastern European hosts to share a bit of their special local cuisine in one of their drinking houses. All Easton players managed to attend the party except for two Pete Sheridan was seen rushing home with a cloth in one hand, a tin of Dubbin in the other and a look of panic in his eyes, while no one has spotted Steve Yarrow since the first half. There is a possibility he is still stuck somewhere in the centre circle, confident that he will soon get a chance to try to beat 8 men on his own and try an audacious lob over the keeper from 50 yards out.