Easton Monday 6 - 1 Bishops of Anchor

[03 Oct : Axa]

The weather forecast predicted gale force winds and heavy rain. The match forecast predicted a tight tussle between Easton Monday & the Bishops of Anchor, the two teams who had been promoted last season. Neither forecast came anywhere near true, as the game was played in near perfect conditions and Easton absolutely hammered their old adversaries.

It is incredible what a bit of responsibility can do for a player. Beckham shone when he became England captain (honest, that was a few years ago). The same thing happened to Gerrard when made captain of Liverpool. A similar change of approach has affected Chris Newby, who has been phenomenal since his appointment as, erm, official kit man. From the off today, the man was possessed, first sorting out the tricky problem of 15 players and only 11 sets of shorts and socks, before sorting out the BofA defence with a display of skill, speed, and a pleasant citrus fragrance emanating from the beautifully washed shirts.

Easton started the game with the slight breeze at their backs. From the off it was one-way traffic, but this flow was upset when striker Charlton went down with a badly sprained ankle. Stu limped off, Purnell limped on (apparently thats how he normally runs) and the game continued. All the best to Mr Charlton, and we hope hes ok and back soon.

BofA have a few notorious players in their ranks a burly, martial arts practising, angry centre forward (who Ill cleverly call Big Bloke) and a snivelling little niggly midfield snapper with glasses (who Ill cleverly call Specky). Neither of them had a look-in in the first half as Easton totally dominated with shots raining in from debut-boy Sheridan, autumn-breeze Newby, skipper-for-the-day Rance, does-my-hat-look-big-in-this Purnell, passings-for-girls Yarrow, coach Jones and what-the-hell-am-I-doing-up-here Stillman.

Indeed BofAs man of the first half was their linesman (who Ill cleverly call Cheating Git) who managed to convince the ref that, of the 3 perfectly good goals Easton scored in the first half, he should disallow 2. The clamber for video replays has never been greater, and tempers started to boil with Big Bloke and Matt No-Surname (who, as anyone whos played on a Thursday night knows all too well, is no pushover) exchanging a few choice words.

I honestly cant remember which goal stood, and who scored it, but Ive got a feeling it was wafted in on a haze of summer meadows by Newby.

Infact, Newby does reacall the incident: Following up Pete Sheridan's close range effort which the Anchor's keeper did well to block, I collected the loose ball, calmly controlled it and in the style of crocked Stu Charlton side-footed it purposefully into the net. This was a collective shock to the rest of Easton Monday who regularly witness my total lack of calm in front of goal on Thursday evenings.

1 - 0 to Easton Monday at half time

Big Bloke obviously had his steroid-enhanced orange segment at half time, as he came out for the second half bigger, louder, rougher and funnier. One tackle won by Specky bought a cry of it being a totally different game now but he seemed to miss the point that BofA still hadnt had a shot at goal and Easton were still playing superbly, solid at the back, strong in midfield and silky up front.

It was only a matter of time before a second goal came, and what a goal it was. Jones lumbered down the right (I understand he calls it sprinting) and swung in a perfect cross for Newby to nod home amid hints of apple blossom.

As Captain Kit man recalls: After a backs-to-the wall opening to the second half, when according to Bishops of Anchor captain, it was a 'different game', a counter attack down the right saw me get on the end of a peach of a cross from Jonesy. In a vain attempt to glance it into the bottom left hand corner, I amazingly found the top left hand corner instead.

2 - 0 to Easton Monday

That opened up the flood gates and, soon after, Jones smashed in a thirty yarder (although I was stood a long way away, so it might have been from 6 yards)

As Jones saw it: Having had a 40 yard screamer dissallowed due toMr Purnell's incursion into an offside position in the first half, when presented with a similar postion on the second half I assumed Andy would be offside again. Whilst trying to kick the ball in the opposite direction to distract the ref from Andy's position my Predator boots misfired and the ball embarrassingly flew passed the keeper and into the net.

3 - 0 to Easton Monday

Then Sheridan capped an impressive debut with a fourth.

To quote: A pass of great vision by Sheridan to Steve Yarrow left him with only the keeper to beat. Yarrow decided to return the pass to Sheridan off the keepers knee, it fell perfectly to him and he drilled it with his 5 iron into the top right hand corner. All Sheridan's other clubs were in the bin by then.

4 - 0 to Easton Monday

Even the trouble created by Sheridan wearing non-standard shorts and socks (much to the dismay of Newby) seemed to be forgotten in the midst of the fantasy football being played. That was spoiled slightly when keeper Gravestock, involved in the game for the first time and struggling with the 7 across clue in the News of the World crossword (Something a goalkeeper does to keep the ball out of the goal, 4 letters, rhymes with wave, first letter s), patted a tame shot to the feet of Big Bloke who bundled it in.

4 - 1 to Easton Monday

Specky got all excited, Big Bloke got funnier and for 42 seconds BofA dominated. Then Jones took matters into his own hands and had a poor shot deflected wickedly by an opposition defender for a clear-cut own goal.

Or as the coach saw it: The ball fell to me just outside the area and in the confusion of the mass of players in front of meran the ball bobbling into the area and toe poked the ball cleverly off the centre backs shin thus wrong footing the keeperand sneaking the ball in off the post.

5 - 1 to Easton Monday

To finish, off Sheridan danced round 37 defenders and set up substitute Howarth for a pile driver from a yard.

From the scorers point of view: Sheridan was fed the ball on the right by Jonesy (I THINK) from there Sheridan beat at least 2 players taking the ball to the dead ball line, during this time I was making swift progress to the near post sensing an opportunity could arise. Sheridan with great vision pulled the ball back and I calmly side footed in under extreme pressure from a challenge from behind. (I did take a glance at the linesman Pete Stilman, just in case, as there had been some dubious decisions before (probably suffering from mental fatigue after playing most of the match!) I was at that point over the moon and punched the air in majestic triumph as I had doubled my Easton Monday goal tally from 1 to 2!.

6-1 Final Score

It was hard to name a man-of-the-match as everyone played brilliantly, except for that arse of a goalkeeper. In the end coach Jones had a quiet word with Purnell who named, oh, coach Jones as the m-o-m. Looks like Purnells starting the next game then.

That next game will be in the cup versus Real Madras on 31 October. Having come so close last season, could Easton go all the way this year? Its bordering on being exciting.